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Trump vows to only use Presidential Alerts about Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club

in Sports/Rec/Trumpanooga '18

During his speech in Chattanooga Today, President Donald J Trump announced he will only use the new controversial Presidential Alert system to make announcements about the new Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club. “You know that I know that Red Wolves Soccer is the best Soccer in Chattanooga”, explained Trump. “Believe…

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Swimming portion of Ironman back on after Tennessee River drained and refilled

in Sports/Rec

Just days after Ironman officials announced the swimming portion of Sunday’s Chattanooga Ironman was canceled due to strong currents and higher levels of E. coli, participants were amazed to hear they would once again take to the water after the Army Corps of Engineers Ironman division were able to successfully drain and refill the…

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New Miller Park praised for pavement, lack of shade

in Culture/Politics/Sports/Rec
New Miller Park

Chattanooga residents raved with delight about the newly redesigned Miller Park, which officially opened today, citing features including its white-brick pavement and lack of shade from the sun. “There isn’t as much tree coverage as before, but you know what? Screw trees,” said resident Kelly Altmink. “And people who want…

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Blackburn, Bredesen agree to debate about soccer team names

in Politics/Sports/Rec
Phil Bredesen (l), Marsha Blackburn (r)

After plans had fizzled out regarding a possible October 1 debate in Chattanooga, U.S. Senate race candidates Marsha Blackburn and Phil Bredesen finally agreed to an impromptu Chattanooga debate yesterday as long as the topic was limited to selecting a name for the new Chattanooga Pro Soccer team. “Dear God,…

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IRONMAN officials begin clearing roadways with high-speed bulldozers

in Sports/Rec

In preparation for yet another IRONMAN triathlon this Sunday, event officials have begun the task of clearing every city and surrounding area roadway of cars and people using high-speed bulldozers. Sources say the local emergency notification system will issue a directive for all non-IRONMAN participants to stay indoors until every…

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Area prepares to clean up large amount of discarded “M” and “B” banners from Trust Fund Bowl week

in Education/Sports/Rec

While players from Baylor and McCallie prepare for tonight’s big game, Chattanooga area residents are preparing to clean up the trash that will inevitably be left around the city from a solid week of “hyping”. The trash comes mostly in the form of huge banners that say “M” or “B”.…

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Tennessee Riverwalk expands to add Southside smells

in Culture/Sports/Rec

In an effort for walkers to experience all the smells that downtown Chattanooga has to offer, a new three-mile section of the Tennessee Riverwalk was opened this past week near the city’s Southside. The expansion cost about sixteen million dollars, with a majority of the budget providing the Southside with dumpster loads…

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High Point Climbing and Fitness announce Trump Tower climbing wall

in Business/Culture/Sports/Rec

After a crazed Donald J Trump supporter scaled Trump Tower in New York using only suction cups, a representative from High Point Climbing facility announced plans to bring the popular attraction to the area. Experts believe the new attraction will draw many visitors like tower climber Stephen Rogata, especially with…

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