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Trump vows to only use Presidential Alerts about Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club

in Sports/Rec/Trumpanooga '18

During his speech in Chattanooga Today, President Donald J Trump announced he will only use the new controversial Presidential Alert system to make announcements about the new Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club. “You know that I know that Red Wolves Soccer is the best Soccer in Chattanooga”, explained Trump. “Believe…

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Trump rally extended for one hour while he tries to pronounce Thongnopnua

in Politics/Trumpanooga '18

A representative from the Trump caravan announced tonight’s rally will be extended one hour after the president saw a “Joda Thongnopnua for House District 30” sign during his flight to the area. As with words like “anonymous,” the president will need more time to try and pronounce the district 30 candidate’s name.…

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Mike Pence ponders move to Chattanooga area after learning of two Golden Corral locations

in Food/Drink/Trumpanooga '18

During his weekend visit to the Chattanooga area, acting Vice President Mike Pence announced he is considering relocating somewhere in town after learning of two Golden Corral eateries, one in Chattanooga, and one in Fort Oglethorpe. Experts say Golden Corral is a favorite dining establishment among southern Churchgoers, who do not see…

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TDOT misspells the rest of onramp signage for Trump’s arrival

in Trumpanooga '18

In an effort to appeal to Trump during his visit to Chattanooga today, the Tennessee Department of Transportation has announced that all onramp signage will be changed to an alternative spelling of whatever it was originally supposed to say. Experts believe residents can also look for the popular trump word…

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Trump to kick off “Shutdown Week” with bankruptcy seminar

in Business/Politics/Trumpanooga '18
Shutdown Week Chattanooga

The White House announced that President Trump will kick off “Shutdown Week” with a bankruptcy seminar, as part of his Sunday visit to Chattanooga. Trump has received criticism for having gone through four bankruptcies involving various hotels, casinos and resorts, and although claimed to be a self-made billionaire, Trump received…

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Vodka mistakenly served instead of Holy Water during Riverbend’s Faith and Family night

in Food/Drink/Riverbend

In what some are calling an error of biblical proportions, drink vendors during Riverbend’s Faith and Family night served festival-goers Vodka instead of the usual holy water on the sacred rocks. Experts on the matter believe there should be no cause for alarm as both liquids lead those who partake…

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Riverbend attendees urged to pretend they’re at Bonnaroo, not shower to conserve water

in Culture/Riverbend
Bonnaroo (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/gaxWc)

After Tennessee American Water asked customers east of Missionary Ridge to curb water usage, due to major repair work on a broken valve, Riverbend attendees were urged to pretend they’re at Bonnaroo by not showering. “Some consider Riverbend to be the cheaper, county-fair-style alternative to the more renowned Bonnaroo,” said…

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