Festival rules say Riverbend wristbands must be worn until death

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Attendees of the newly revamped 4-day Riverbend Festival, which began today, were shocked to learn that their admission wristbands must be worn until they die. “I knew that you weren’t allowed to remove your wristband until the end of the festival,” said Riverbend attendee Butch Ausphot, while squinting at the wristband. “But by golly, there

Acts to perform songs twice as fast at shorter 4-day Riverbend

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It was announced at a press conference today that Chattanooga’s annual Riverbend Festival would be shortened from nine days to four days, and to fit the same amount of material in a shorter time, music acts would be required to perform their songs twice as fast. “Half as long, twice as fast, baby!” said Riverbend

Trump vows to only use Presidential Alerts about Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club

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During his speech in Chattanooga Today, President Donald J Trump announced he will only use the new controversial Presidential Alert system to make announcements about the new Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club. “You know that I know that Red Wolves Soccer is the best Soccer in Chattanooga”, explained Trump. “Believe me when I tell you

Trump rally extended for one hour while he tries to pronounce Thongnopnua

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A representative from the Trump caravan announced tonight’s rally will be extended one hour after the president saw a “Joda Thongnopnua for House District 30” sign during his flight to the area. As with words like “anonymous,” the president will need more time to try and pronounce the district 30 candidate’s name. “Is it thongnooga, tongchuga, tubthumping,

Mike Pence ponders move to Chattanooga area after learning of two Golden Corral locations

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During his weekend visit to the Chattanooga area, acting Vice President Mike Pence announced he is considering relocating somewhere in town after learning of two Golden Corral eateries, one in Chattanooga, and one in Fort Oglethorpe. Experts say Golden Corral is a favorite dining establishment among southern Churchgoers, who do not see the irony in gluttony. “Mother

TDOT misspells the rest of onramp signage for Trump’s arrival

In an effort to appeal to Trump during his visit to Chattanooga today, the Tennessee Department of Transportation has announced that all onramp signage will be changed to an alternative spelling of whatever it was originally supposed to say. Experts believe residents can also look for the popular trump word “covfefe” to make an appearance.

Trump to kick off “Shutdown Week” with bankruptcy seminar

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The White House announced that President Trump will kick off “Shutdown Week” with a bankruptcy seminar, as part of his Sunday visit to Chattanooga. Trump has received criticism for having gone through four bankruptcies involving various hotels, casinos and resorts, and although claimed to be a self-made billionaire, Trump received hundreds of millions of dollars

Vodka mistakenly served instead of Holy Water during Riverbend’s Faith and Family night

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In what some are calling an error of biblical proportions, drink vendors during Riverbend’s Faith and Family night served festival-goers Vodka instead of the usual holy water on the sacred rocks. Experts on the matter believe there should be no cause for alarm as both liquids lead those who partake to Jesus anyway. “I am

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