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Police recommend putting nacho cheese in pockets to thwart pickpockets

in Food/Drink/Politics

After video footage was released of a pickpocket stealing a woman’s phone at a convenience store, Chattanooga Police recommended that people put nacho cheese in their pockets to discourage theft. “Don’t be a victim, especially to some douchebag thief who dresses like Silent Bob’s friend Jay,” said officer Terry Maptrost.…

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Fleischmann changes stance on border wall after listening to Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”

in Culture/Politics

Congressman Chuck Fleischmann withdrew his support for the proposed Mexican border wall after listening to the concept album “The Wall” created by the British rock band Pink Floyd. The change occurred while Rep. Fleischmann and Tennessee Governor Bill Lee were roadtripping from Washington, D.C. back to Tennessee, after Lee was…

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Trump rally extended for one hour while he tries to pronounce Thongnopnua

in Politics/Trumpanooga '18

A representative from the Trump caravan announced tonight’s rally will be extended one hour after the president saw a “Joda Thongnopnua for House District 30” sign during his flight to the area. As with words like “anonymous,” the president will need more time to try and pronounce the district 30 candidate’s name.…

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Trump to kick off “Shutdown Week” with bankruptcy seminar

in Business/Politics/Trumpanooga '18
Shutdown Week Chattanooga

The White House announced that President Trump will kick off “Shutdown Week” with a bankruptcy seminar, as part of his Sunday visit to Chattanooga. Trump has received criticism for having gone through four bankruptcies involving various hotels, casinos and resorts, and although claimed to be a self-made billionaire, Trump received…

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New Miller Park praised for pavement, lack of shade

in Culture/Politics/Sports/Rec
New Miller Park

Chattanooga residents raved with delight about the newly redesigned Miller Park, which officially opened today, citing features including its white-brick pavement and lack of shade from the sun. “There isn’t as much tree coverage as before, but you know what? Screw trees,” said resident Kelly Altmink. “And people who want…

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Blackburn, Bredesen agree to debate about soccer team names

in Politics/Sports/Rec
Phil Bredesen (l), Marsha Blackburn (r)

After plans had fizzled out regarding a possible October 1 debate in Chattanooga, U.S. Senate race candidates Marsha Blackburn and Phil Bredesen finally agreed to an impromptu Chattanooga debate yesterday as long as the topic was limited to selecting a name for the new Chattanooga Pro Soccer team. “Dear God,…

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Rep. Diane Black blames porn for defeat

in Politics
Representative Diane Black (R-Tenn.)

After underdog and outsider Bill Lee won the Republican gubernatorial primary election yesterday, in a highly competitive race with several contenders, Representative Diane Black blamed her loss on pornography. Black had attracted criticism in May after remarking that pornography was a root cause of school shootings. In a stunning upset,…

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Unopposed loses big once again in area elections

in Politics

As polls closed this evening for elections around the Tennessee Valley, supporters of candidate Unopposed were once again left with their hearts broken. Supporters of Unopposed are blaming the mainstream media for not giving candidate Unopposed equal speaking time. “It’s freaking bullshit that the powers that be don’t allow Unopposed to participate…

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