Health - Page 2

Satan opens up portal next to Broad Street Walgreens in hopes to score some good drugs

In an effort to score some great earthling medications, resident Hell spokesman Satan opened up a sinkhole right next to the Broad Street Walgreens with a path directly to his lair. 

Sources a new loophole in the system has caused freshly deceased hell bound souls to leave any sort of prescription medications on earth while departing for the lake of fire. 

“You may dispose of any sensitive HIPPA information in a designated bin, but please send the good shit down to me,” explained Satan. “It’s hard keeping focused with all these fresh souls, so send down some Adderall ASAP.”

“Coyotes are motherfuckers” warns Tenn. Wildlife Dept.

The Tennessee Wildlife Department warned today at a press conference that coyote sightings have been on the rise around Chattanooga and that coyotes are a bunch of bloodthirsty motherfuckers.

“These assholes won’t think twice about ripping apart your precious little chihuahua or fluffy kitty cat,” said Rita Viscobb, a representative from the Tennessee Wildlife Department. “Coyotes are total douchebags who suck balls, so keep your tiny friends inside at night.”

“Coyotes will fuck up a little bunny rabbit just for a little snack,” said Viscobb. “I mean, what kind of a dick move is that?”

Viscobb recommended that residents should avoid keeping uneaten pet food outside, pointing out that coyotes will eat almost anything, including rotting food scraps or Taco Bell’s Beefy Crunch Burritos.

“If you see one of these rat bastard coyotes, try to scare them away by screaming ‘Go away, you coyote motherfucker!’ at them while flipping them the bird, or throw pinecones that have been covered with glitter at them,” said Viscobb. “They hate pinecones, and they hate flair.”

“If that doesn’t work, then try to publicly shame the coyotes by posting their photos on Facebook,” said Viscobb, who has a personal vendetta against coyotes.

“A coyote ate my baby,” said Viscobb, with a thick Australian accent.

Harrison Keely not selected as sexiest male alive once again

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In a decision many saw as somewhat heartbreaking, former Chattanooga news personality Harrison Keely once again failed to be named sexiest male alive. 

Formerly the online news producer for the Chattanooga Times Free Press, Keely moved to Las Vegas where he believed chances of becoming the sexiest man alive would be much higher. 

“What you need to know for today is it’s just not fair, but there’s always next calendar year,” explained Keely, while removing his Vegas showgirl attire.

“From all the pictures I’ve seen of him on my phone, I was sure he would take home the grand prize” explained new Times Free Press online personality Lesley Dale. “It was troubling the number of skin moisturizers and stabbed pictures of Blake Shelton I had to throw away from his old desk.”

TEMA bans Wind and Fire from upcoming Earth, Wind & Fire concert

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The Tennessee Emergency Management Agency (TEMA) announced that it has banned Wind and Fire from the upcoming Earth, Wind & Fire concert scheduled for March 15, 2017 at Chattanooga’s Memorial Auditorium.

“We can’t take any chances,” said TEMA representative Kelly Conpuro. “Wind and fire is a deadly combination, as we have seen with the Gatlinburg wildfires that spread rapidly due to high winds that were up to 87 miles an hour.”

For this concert, Earth, Wind & Fire will be billed as “Earth, Wind & Fire Minus Wind & Fire” to reflect the change.

“This kind of preventative action is not unprecedented,” said Conpuro. “The Tennessee Department of Health banned Blood from concerts by Blood, Sweat and Tears during the ’80s AIDS epidemic.”

Experts warn of Southside “condom desert” after closing of Chuck’s

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Urban planning experts have warned city officials that the upcoming closing of the Main Street nightclub Chuck’s, a.k.a. “The Condom Shop,” would leave a “condom desert” in the Southside after October 22.

Much like an urban “food desert,” which is a location that lacks convenient access to grocery stores, a “condom desert” would be a location that lacks ample access to prophylactics.

“Let’s say you are a young, single male who is partying on the Southside late one night, and you find yourself getting hot-and-heavy with a honey who is ready to go,” said urban planner Grace Solvowitz. “You’ve got to wrap that junk. But where do you go, after Chuck’s is gone? And let’s not forget dental dams, for the ladies.”

“In this day and age of diseases, coitus interruptus is not an option,” said Solvowitz, who then began to sing the chorus of “Don’t Pull Your Love,” the song popularized by Hamilton, Joe Frank & Reynolds.

Study: 40% of all local businesses to be yoga-related by 2020

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A study released today by the Tennessee Department of Commerce predicted that by the year 2020, approximately 40% of all Chattanooga businesses will be yoga-related.

“It’s blowing up!” said local yoga expert, Rain Summerberry. “Back in August, we had the debut of the Southern Bend Yoga Festival, and two weeks ago, we had the Divine Fire Yoga Festival. There are twenty-seven more yoga festivals scheduled here in the next month alone, taking place in parks, resorts, event venues, bars, alleyways, basements and vacant gravel lots.”

“Really, anywhere you can lay down a yoga mat,” said Summerberry.

“When you think about it, yoga can have a huge impact on local commerce,” said Kris Fogley of the Tennessee Department of Commerce. “Yoga people need yoga clothes, yoga paraphernalia, expensive food and drink from Whole Foods or Fresh Market and lots of crappy hippie-type music made by white people with dreadlocks.”

“Most people just drink water when they feel like they are thirsty,” said Fogley. “But yoga people have these fancy water bottles that come in pretty colors that glow when you need to take a drink of water. Those cost good money.”

“Last month, Chattanooga had its first Rage Yoga class, which mixes yoga with swearing, drinking beer and blaring rock music,” said Summerberry. “In East Ridge next month, there’s going to be a ‘Meth Yoga’ class, which we are looking forward to.”

“There are so many new varieties and niches, like ‘Insult Yoga,’ ‘Bare-Knuckle Yoga’ and ‘Toga Yoga,’ where everyone pretends that they are at the toga party in the movie Animal House,” said Summerberry. “Did I mention ‘Dexys Midnight Yoga’? You do yoga at midnight while listening to the song ‘Come On Eileen’ over and over, wearing clothing from the ’80s.”

Yoga (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/J9CcVh)
Yoga (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/J9CcVh)

Guy who eats 13 Little Debbie snack cakes a day wins IRONMAN

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In a shocking turn of events at this years Chattanooga IRONMAN, participant and 350lb Little Debbie enthusiast Todd Linderman came in first place over all. Linderman’s win puts to rest the irony thought by many of having a fatty junk food maker the sponsor of a world class triathlon.

“He was trailing behind the last athlete by about 3 hours,” said one spectator. “Then someone informed him of unlimited Little Debbies at the finish line and the rest is now history.”

TEMA apologizes for “You are going to die soon” test alerts

The Tennessee Emergency Management Agency (TEMA) apologized after bombarding mobile phone users with a barrage of test alerts that told the recipients that they were going to die horrible deaths in the near future.

The graphic alerts, none of which bothered to explicitly say that it was just a test to kick off National Preparedness Month, went into extreme detail about the excruciating pain that was imminent, due to a variety of simultaneous disasters, and they even described the types of wildlife that would feed on the recipients’ carcasses.

Several alerts expressed an existential anguish, chiding recipients who believed they were at death’s door that they spent too much time working rather than playing with their children, while other alerts encouraged Tennessee residents to be adventurous and go wild with abandon in the last few minutes of their lives.

“We are so, so sorry for the confusion and misunderstandings,” said TEMA director, Jerred Yeardley. “But on the bright side, my wife and I just had the best sex of our lives.”

Insurers to create GoFundMe campaigns for policy holders before price hikes

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Health insurers in Tennessee have announced that they will automatically create individual GoFundMe campaigns for each ObamaCare exchange plan policy holder for convenience, after it was announced that Tennessee regulators had approved large increases in individual rates for 2017.

Tennessee’s largest health insurer, BlueCross BlueShield of Tennessee, was approved for a 62 percent increase in individual rates for next year, while Cigna and Humana were approved for 46.3 percent and 44.3 percent, respectively.

Proponents of the Affordable Care Act, also known as “ObamaCare,” have praised the program for encouraging people to obtain insurance, which can be subsidized, while opponents have cited increases such as these as evidence that ObamaCare is faulty.

The Temptations song “Ain’t too Proud too Beg” was played at a press conference earlier today, before insurance company representatives made the announcement.

“Crowdsourcing platforms such as GoFundMe have made it easy and socially acceptable to essentially beg,” said Lester Gileadd, an insurance industry representative. “We’ve all decided to automatically create these GoFundMe fundraising campaigns for our individual policy holders, ’cause after these upcoming price hikes, you’re going to need every penny.”

“The best thing to do is to just try not to get sick, y’all,” said Gileadd.

Local gangs agree to truce over bathroom bread thawing

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After weeks of relentless violence, representatives from Chattanooga area gangs have agreed to a cease fire. Members say the shocking revelation of a local restaurant thawing out their sandwich bread in bathrooms have rendered members in a disgusted state where the willpower to continue drive-by shootings and stabbings has stopped.

“Shooting up a house over claiming public property to be yours must be done on a full stomach,” explained local gang member Jeffrey Stephens. “Just the thought of enjoying a tasty sandwich that has been exposed to poo-particles, leaves me without an appetite to continue my childish and moronic profession.”