Food/Drink - Page 2

Slaughterhouse weddings take barn-wedding trend to next level


Over the last ten years, there’s been a growing trend to hold weddings in barns with rustic, farm-related decor, and now, local trend-setters have taken the idea to the next level by having weddings in slaughterhouses.

“You can’t get more real than this,” said wedding planner Gracie Nimberlaut. “As real as the love that’s formed by the sacred bond of matrimony.”

“People are getting tired of the same old barn wedding, with wooden barrels, Mason jars, bales of hay and vintage vases with wildflowers,” said Nimberlaut, who prefers the word “abattoir,” another term for slaughterhouse. “I guarantee you that nobody will forget an abattoir wedding.”

One advantage of having an abattoir wedding is the freshness of the meat for the wedding meal.

“It is simply not possible to have fresher meat at your wedding than by having an abattoir wedding,” said Nimberlaut. “This is farm-to-table dining, taken to its absolute extreme.”

After the meal, guests are led to the cutting room, which for an abattoir wedding is used to cut the wedding cake, and then guests are ushered to the kill floor, which becomes the dance floor.

“Instead of the traditional throwing of the bouquet, some brides opt for the non-traditional ‘throwing of the offal,’ which has been a big hit,” said Nimberlaut.

It’s a trend that is beginning to catch on locally, and Nimberlaut contends that abattoirs can be elegant, charming and even fun locations for weddings.

“You can’t spell ‘slaughterhouse’ without ‘laughter,'” said Nimberlaut.

Uber Eats to deliver Krystal burgers directly to toilet


The food delivery service Uber Eats started operating in Chattanooga today, and customers have the option of ordering Krystal burgers to be delivered directly into a toilet, to save people the time and trouble of actually eating a Krystal and having it swiftly pass through one’s digestive system.

“This new service is all about efficiency,” said Uber driver and Uber Eats delivery person Kris Courtsay. “People are willing to pay me to go to Krystal, buy a dozen Krystal burgers, then just throw them right into a toilet and flush them down.”

“They say you don’t really buy Krystals – you just rent them,” said Courtsay.

Local upscale supper club to offer artisanal hand jobs

A popular, local supper club just took the Chattanooga dining experience to the next level with its announcement that its next meal, limited to 20 diners charged $995 each, would include a hand job administered during the final dessert course.

“I got the idea for the artisanal hand job after hearing a person balk at the price of a previous supper club experience,” said Chef Kelly Ristmussen, the founder of the Conspicuous Consumption Supper Club (CCSC), at a press conference. “The person said, jokingly, ‘For that price, this meal better include a hand job.'”

“Then I thought, ‘Why not?'” said Ristmussen. “We can make this happen in the Gig City, with our ‘Can Do’ attitude. Beat that, Scenic City Supper Club.”

No expense will be spared for the upcoming meal, which will feature a distinguished 19-course meal, including dishes such as braised quail uvulas with a pickled placenta chutney and a blood orange sauce, made using a reduction of Bourbon barrel-aged Appalachian dip cup froth and fresh-squeezed marionberry juice.

Another of Chef Ristmussen’s creations uses roasted jackfruit that has been regurgitated by angry civets, drizzled with Hungarian bone marrow butter and specks of radioactive platinum, and the main course will be creamed cocottes prepared with a modified sous vide method that uses ostrich bladders instead of plastic bags.

However, Ristmussen has saved the best for last: a truly artisanal hand job for both men and women.

“The exquisite hand job we will offer will be an extraordinary sensual experience, far beyond some sleazy lap dance at Diamonds and Lace,” said Ristmussen. “Our skilled hand artists have been trained at some of the finest rub-and-tug institutes around the world.”

Ristmussen described how each hand artist will wear gloves made from 9th century Chinese silk from the Tang dynasty, and at completion, each diner’s drippings will be captured in a special cashmere handcloth, personally embroidered with the diner’s initials.

“Everyone loves a happy ending,” said Chef Ristmussen. “This isn’t just ‘farm-to-table,’ it’s ‘farm-to-table-to-trousers,’ and truly, we’re here to turn organic dining into orgasmic dining.”

Station Street renamed Vomit Alley after open-container ordinance passes


After the Chattanooga City Council passed an ordinance yesterday allowing people of legal drinking age to carry open containers on Station Street next to the Choo-Choo, another measure was approved to change the name of the street to “Vomit Alley.”

“We just wanted to be honest with what we’re getting into,” said the Council in a written statement. “After a seemingly endless night of downing brightly colored margaritas, it’s inevitable that at least a few heavy drinkers will let out some liquid laughter, adding to a rainbow river that flows down the street.”

“It’s just more fun to drink outside,” said resident Carl Fetsing. “Kind of like peeing outside is more fun. And with this new ordinance, we’ll definitely be seeing more of both.”

Councilwoman Coonrod demands to speak with Mayor McCheese for burger complaint


Councilwoman Demetrus Coonrod reportedly demanded to speak with Mayor McCheese to lodge a complaint at a fast food restaurant about a burger that was not made to her satisfaction.

This news comes after it was revealed in Chattanooga Police body-cam footage that Coonrod asked to speak with then-police Chief Fred Fletcher during a late-night traffic stop last month, to bypass several levels of supervision.

The fast-food cashier who took Coonrod’s order did not fulfill her request to speak with McCheese, explaining that the chain of command goes from the cashier, to the cashier’s supervisor, to the restaurant manager, to Grimace, to Ronald, to Officer Big Mac and then to Mayor McCheese.

Southside Social doubles down on dress code, requires tuxedos, gowns


After receiving overwhelmingly negative feedback regarding its dress code, the bar and bowling alley Southside Social doubled down on its dress code, now requiring all patrons to wear tuxedos and gowns.

“We here at the Southside Social want to keep things classy, so that’s why all customers will be required to wear formal evening wear while they bowl and drink beer,” said Winston Adair Rothchild III, a representative for the Southside Social. “If you don’t like it, then you can take your business elsewhere, you filthy peasants.”

“It’s true that we want a more selective audience,” said Rothchild, who was wearing a silk top hat. “We want to attract people who seek the finer things in life – discriminating consumers, you could say.”

While the dress code was written to reduce the possibility of violence, some people believe that the code went too far by banning many items including backward ball caps, hoodies and oversized chains and could be construed as targeting blacks.

“Southside Social is the place where the grown, sexy and mature crowd goes to party,” said Rothchild, before adjusting his monocle. “When you hear the phrase ‘grown, sexy and mature,’ we want you to think of Southside Social, and not MILF porn.”

Guy who eats 13 Little Debbie snack cakes a day wins IRONMAN


In a shocking turn of events at this years Chattanooga IRONMAN, participant and 350lb Little Debbie enthusiast Todd Linderman came in first place over all. Linderman’s win puts to rest the irony thought by many of having a fatty junk food maker the sponsor of a world class triathlon.

“He was trailing behind the last athlete by about 3 hours,” said one spectator. “Then someone informed him of unlimited Little Debbies at the finish line and the rest is now history.”

Bella Vita lights appear for local bar’s two-year anniversary


During preparations for the Chattanooga bar and restaurant, The Bitter Alibi’s two-year anniversary celebration, employees were shocked to discover a massive search light had appeared on the third floor of the establishment. After further examination, the spot lights were uncovered to be from the troubled Southside nightclub Bella Vita, whose giant florescent display has not been seen for sometime.

Experts believe the lights were removed from Bella Vita due to multiple complaints of being a nuisance to nearby neighbors. Others believe the lights were taken by bookies demanding past payments for sports bets.

“We heard some sort of ruckus on the third floor,” exclaimed Bitter Alibi owner Mathis Bowers. “We were shocked to find a ginormous spot light, which reeked of Coors Lite and Axe body spray.”

Sources believe the lights should be a sign for the bar to open a fourth floor night spot called the “More Ultra Lounge,” where patrons won’t have to worry about drive by shootings due to the massive number of broken down vehicles in front of the building.

Walmart offers wine to dull pain of shopping at Walmart


The department store and supermarket chain Walmart began offering wine in its Tennessee stores today in order to let customers dull the pain of having to shop at Walmart.

“This is great news,” said local shopper Blake Wolfhund. “Whenever I shop at Walmart on a Saturday afternoon, after a few minutes of enduring screaming, out-of-control children or fashion atrocities from people who just don’t give a shit about looking presentable, I think to myself, ‘Jesus Christ, I could really use a drink.'”

In conjunction with the wine-sale roll-out, Walmart has offered ideas for unique food pairings involving snack food favorites.

“Some fancy-pants wine shop might have some snooty wine and cheese tasting,” said store manager Dale Misuca. “Instead, we suggest that you try ‘Wine and Cheetos’ or ‘Wine and Cheez-Its’ for a culinary experience on a budget.”

Wine (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Wine (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

Local gangs agree to truce over bathroom bread thawing


After weeks of relentless violence, representatives from Chattanooga area gangs have agreed to a cease fire. Members say the shocking revelation of a local restaurant thawing out their sandwich bread in bathrooms have rendered members in a disgusted state where the willpower to continue drive-by shootings and stabbings has stopped.

“Shooting up a house over claiming public property to be yours must be done on a full stomach,” explained local gang member Jeffrey Stephens. “Just the thought of enjoying a tasty sandwich that has been exposed to poo-particles, leaves me without an appetite to continue my childish and moronic profession.”

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