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Drive-By Truckers to open for Drive-By Truckers tribute band

in Culture
Drive-By Truckers (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/fQtPtp)

The popular, acclaimed Southern-rock band Drive-By Truckers announced that it would be the opening act for The Dirty South: A Tribute to Drive-By Truckers after discovering that both acts are playing tonight in Chattanooga. “Sometimes an imitation can be as good as or even better than the original. Think about…

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New Miller Park praised for pavement, lack of shade

in Culture/Politics/Sports/Rec
New Miller Park

Chattanooga residents raved with delight about the newly redesigned Miller Park, which officially opened today, citing features including its white-brick pavement and lack of shade from the sun. “There isn’t as much tree coverage as before, but you know what? Screw trees,” said resident Kelly Altmink. “And people who want…

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Panhandlers eagerly awaiting re-opening of Miller Park

in Culture
Panhandler

Members of the local chapter of the panhandling union (Panhandlers Local Union 58008) are eagerly anticipating the grand opening of Miller Park on September 14 after undergoing renovations for the last year. “It’s been a rough year,” said local panhandler Coots McGooligan. “Most of us had to disperse and hang…

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Local beard oil supplies dangerously low before Moon River Festival

in Culture
Bearded man who probably likes Americana music

Authorities have cautioned the public to remain calm after it was revealed that local reserves of beard oil have become dangerously low, in advance of the Americana/roots music Moon River Festival this weekend in Coolidge Park. “Be warned, we may have to start rationing or placing anti-price-gouging controls on our…

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EPB urges use of paper porn during Internet outage

in Business/Culture
Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/ZtS2J
Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/ZtS2J

Power company and Internet provider EPB asked its customers to use paper porn during a temporary Internet outage earlier today. “For many of you, we know, based on your Internet browsing history, that online porn is a part of your lives, morning, noon and night,” said EPB representative Kris Sobiscan.…

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Royal honeymoon mistakenly booked at King’s Lodge

in Business/Culture
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Inset: King's Lodge.

Amid speculation regarding where newlyweds Prince Harry and Meghan Markle would spend their honeymoon, it was revealed that in a colossal error, their matrimonial vacation was booked at King’s Lodge in Chattanooga. According to a spokesperson, the hotel was booked after the royal family’s travel agent read a glowing article…

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David Blaine to hold breath for 18 minutes inside chicken processing plant

in Culture/Food/Drink
David Blaine

While in Chattanooga for his June 2 performance at the Tivoli Theatre, street magician and endurance artist David Blaine announced that he would break a world record by holding his breath for 18 minutes while locked inside the downtown chicken processing plant. Blaine has performed endurance stunts including being encased…

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