Business

BREAKING: City Council rules all businesses must include “nooga” in their name

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After weeks of controversial debates over the new ordinance, members of the Chattanooga City Council unanimously voted to require all area businesses to include the word “nooga” in their name. Sources say the new ordinance will include a fee that new businesses must pay, which will go towards renewing the license on the Chatype font,

Mayor Berke apologizes for forgetting to pay the city’s internet bill yesterday

After tens of people took to social media to voice their complaints of not having internet for two hours for video gaming, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke stepped up and admitted his mistake of forgetting to pay the city’s internet bill, which was due by 5pm on Jun 25th. “It must have slipped my mind,” explained

Clippy makes surprise visit to Howard School

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The students and teachers of Howard School were surprised today by a visit from Clippy, the anthropomorphic paper clip from Microsoft Office software, on its annual Awards Day. “It looks like you’re graduating from Howard School!” said Clippy, who was floating in mid-air on a sheet of yellow notepad paper. “Would you like help writing

Moxy, EPB to harness fucking as renewable energy source

Moxy Hotel and EPB unveiled today a plan to expand local renewable energy sources by harnessing the power of fucking at Moxy’s Chattanooga location. “It feels good to be environmentally conscious,” said Ashley Hawkittel, a representative for the partnership. “You know what else feels good? Fucking.” Hawkittel explained that all furniture, showers, tubs, flooring, walls

Coyote Jacks releases new playlist of farm-themed songs after urban music ban

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After a recent announcement from the nightclub Coyote Jacks about renovations and a ban on “all forms of urban music,” which some perceived as being racist, a new playlist was released for the club featuring only farm-themed songs. “You’d be surprised about the rich assortment of songs out there about growing sorghum,” said Eulas “Critter”

TVA accidentally releases the Kraken during flood preparations

During preparations for possible historic flooding this week, it was announced that TVA engineers accidentally released the Kraken while emptying out water reservoirs. Sources say that while TVA was working with the Army Corps of Engineers to prepare for excessive water levels, the Navy, Air Force, Marines, and new Space Force have been additionally called

Guy Fieri purchases Food City, will incorporate into Flavortown

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During the grand opening announcement for the new Fort Oglethorpe Food City, onlookers were shocked when television personality and celebrity chef Guy Fieri appeared announced he has purchased all local Food Citys and will relocate them to Flavortown.  “The Rockin’ Chattanooga and beyond Red Food, er Bi-Lo, ah Food Cities are greasin’ their way to

Chattanooga Moxy to rebrand after learning no one has had sex there

Just months after opening as the new hip “hook up” hotel in downtown Chattanooga, managers of the Moxy were disappointed to learn that zero acts of sexual intercourse have taken place within its 108 rooms or public restrooms. Sources say renovations have begun to replace large pictures of millennials drinking and having fun with laughing

TDOT advising everyone to just stay home during I-75/24 split construction

This week during a press conference discussing the plans of the upcoming I-75 and I-24 split construction, a representative for the Tennessee Department of Transportation announced that motorists should probably just stay home during the project. The construction, which will begin this summer, will bring devastation to the area that residents haven’t seen since the

John Wise begins rebuilding all properties after last weeks devastating earthquakes

Just one week after devastating earthquakes rocked the Tennessee Valley area, local developer John Wise announced rebuilding has begun after every one of his buildings was destroyed. Sources say the actual dollar value of buildings destroyed will total into the hundreds and possibly even thousand. Experts were stunned after literally every other structure in the

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