Business

Experts warn: cheaper-than-milk gas is no substitute for milk

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With the price of gasoline dropping well below $2 a gallon in Chattanooga, making it less expensive than milk, experts are reminding residents that gas is not an acceptable substitute for milk. Facing the COVID-19 pandemic, residents are seeing local grocery stores sell out of staples and necessities like milk, bread, and toilet paper, sometimes

Friends of the Festival hoping COVID-19 sticks around long enough to blame it on low Riverbend turnout

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After many music festivals around the globe are canceling upcoming events due to the COVID-19 outbreak, a spokeswoman for Friends of the Festival announced they believe the outbreak will probably, or I’m sure most definitely cause a low turnout for this years Riverbend festival. “Oh man, it’s really too bad that :cough cough: I won’t

Blue Orleans owners say “screw it”, will transform the restaurant into a Cicis

After going thru a massive transformation courtesy of the hit television series “Restaurant: Impossible”, Blue Orleans owners Mike Adams and Cherita Bloodwirth announced plans to abandon the New Orleans style restaurant and open a Cicis instead. Sources say patrons of the newly made-over restaurant were shocked to hear of the news, but we’re pretty excited

Nikki’s Drive Inn property developer promises to deep-fry new condos

After public outrage of Chattanooga’s beloved comfort food staple Nikki’s Drive Inn announced it was closing its doors to make way for new condominiums, developers announced the new structure would be deep-fried to please the angry public. Experts are questioning how such a task can be completed, but agree that most area residents do not

All TDOT interstate signs showing a penis after sign guy leaves his computer unattended

After an employee of the Tennessee Department of Transportation left his computer unattended to step outside and a vape while devouring a White Claw, commuters were shocked to see every overhead digital sign was now a single sizable penis. Sources say the culprit might have been a malicious computer hacker looking to disrupt the day

Ample supply of local craft beer to replace water

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After a water main break occurred Thursday evening, disrupting water supplies to areas including downtown and North Chattanooga, local breweries came to the rescue by replacing water with delicious craft beer. “As you know, there have been over 70 new breweries that have opened up in Chattanooga in the last five years,” said local brewer

Four new chicken plants to open downtown to meet chicken sandwich demand

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While rampant speculation remains about whether or not developer John Wise intends to facilitate the move of the Pilgrim’s Pride chicken plant from downtown to property he purchased in Dade County, Georgia, it was announced today that four new chicken plants would open in downtown Chattanooga to meet the high demand for chicken sandwiches. “People

BREAKING: City Council rules all businesses must include “nooga” in their name

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After weeks of controversial debates over the new ordinance, members of the Chattanooga City Council unanimously voted to require all area businesses to include the word “nooga” in their name. Sources say the new ordinance will include a fee that new businesses must pay, which will go towards renewing the license on the Chatype font,

Mayor Berke apologizes for forgetting to pay the city’s internet bill yesterday

After tens of people took to social media to voice their complaints of not having internet for two hours for video gaming, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke stepped up and admitted his mistake of forgetting to pay the city’s internet bill, which was due by 5pm on Jun 25th. “It must have slipped my mind,” explained

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