Business

Nikki’s Drive Inn property developer promises to deep-fry new condos

After public outrage of Chattanooga’s beloved comfort food staple Nikki’s Drive Inn announced it was closing its doors to make way for new condominiums, developers announced the new structure would be deep-fried to please the angry public. Experts are questioning how such a task can be completed, but agree that most area residents do not

All TDOT interstate signs showing a penis after sign guy leaves his computer unattended

After an employee of the Tennessee Department of Transportation left his computer unattended to step outside and a vape while devouring a White Claw, commuters were shocked to see every overhead digital sign was now a single sizable penis. Sources say the culprit might have been a malicious computer hacker looking to disrupt the day

Ample supply of local craft beer to replace water

/

After a water main break occurred Thursday evening, disrupting water supplies to areas including downtown and North Chattanooga, local breweries came to the rescue by replacing water with delicious craft beer. “As you know, there have been over 70 new breweries that have opened up in Chattanooga in the last five years,” said local brewer

Four new chicken plants to open downtown to meet chicken sandwich demand

/

While rampant speculation remains about whether or not developer John Wise intends to facilitate the move of the Pilgrim’s Pride chicken plant from downtown to property he purchased in Dade County, Georgia, it was announced today that four new chicken plants would open in downtown Chattanooga to meet the high demand for chicken sandwiches. “People

BREAKING: City Council rules all businesses must include “nooga” in their name

/

After weeks of controversial debates over the new ordinance, members of the Chattanooga City Council unanimously voted to require all area businesses to include the word “nooga” in their name. Sources say the new ordinance will include a fee that new businesses must pay, which will go towards renewing the license on the Chatype font,

Mayor Berke apologizes for forgetting to pay the city’s internet bill yesterday

After tens of people took to social media to voice their complaints of not having internet for two hours for video gaming, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke stepped up and admitted his mistake of forgetting to pay the city’s internet bill, which was due by 5pm on Jun 25th. “It must have slipped my mind,” explained

Clippy makes surprise visit to Howard School

/

The students and teachers of Howard School were surprised today by a visit from Clippy, the anthropomorphic paper clip from Microsoft Office software, on its annual Awards Day. “It looks like you’re graduating from Howard School!” said Clippy, who was floating in mid-air on a sheet of yellow notepad paper. “Would you like help writing

Moxy, EPB to harness fucking as renewable energy source

Moxy Hotel and EPB unveiled today a plan to expand local renewable energy sources by harnessing the power of fucking at Moxy’s Chattanooga location. “It feels good to be environmentally conscious,” said Ashley Hawkittel, a representative for the partnership. “You know what else feels good? Fucking.” Hawkittel explained that all furniture, showers, tubs, flooring, walls

Coyote Jacks releases new playlist of farm-themed songs after urban music ban

/

After a recent announcement from the nightclub Coyote Jacks about renovations and a ban on “all forms of urban music,” which some perceived as being racist, a new playlist was released for the club featuring only farm-themed songs. “You’d be surprised about the rich assortment of songs out there about growing sorghum,” said Eulas “Critter”

1 2 3 14