Attendees of the newly revamped 4-day Riverbend Festival, which began today, were shocked to learn that their admission wristbands must be worn until they die. “I knew that you weren’t allowed to remove your wristband until the end of the festival,” said Riverbend attendee Butch Ausphot, while squinting at the wristband. “But by golly, there
The students and teachers of Howard School were surprised today by a visit from Clippy, the anthropomorphic paper clip from Microsoft Office software, on its annual Awards Day. “It looks like you’re graduating from Howard School!” said Clippy, who was floating in mid-air on a sheet of yellow notepad paper. “Would you like help writing
Wait, did that asshole in a pickup with truck nuts on I-24 just cut you off? Don’t be a pussy – it’s time to rumble! But even when engaging in bare-knuckle melee by the side of a busy highway, you should heed these safety tips from the Tennessee Department of Transportation: * Before you pull
Alabama state legislators passed a controversial bill today declaring that human life begins when a stork kisses a bee in a cabbage patch. “According to our best male scientists, who have a deep understanding of the human reproductive system, a baby is created when a man and a woman love each other very much, and
Moxy Hotel and EPB unveiled today a plan to expand local renewable energy sources by harnessing the power of fucking at Moxy’s Chattanooga location. “It feels good to be environmentally conscious,” said Ashley Hawkittel, a representative for the partnership. “You know what else feels good? Fucking.” Hawkittel explained that all furniture, showers, tubs, flooring, walls