September 2018

Drive-By Truckers to open for Drive-By Truckers tribute band

The popular, acclaimed Southern-rock band Drive-By Truckers announced that it would be the opening act for The Dirty South: A Tribute to Drive-By Truckers after discovering that both acts are playing tonight in Chattanooga. “Sometimes an imitation can be as good as or even better than the original. Think about almond milk, or fake boobs,”

Swimming portion of Ironman back on after Tennessee River drained and refilled

Just days after Ironman officials announced the swimming portion of Sunday’s Chattanooga Ironman was canceled due to strong currents and higher levels of E. coli, participants were amazed to hear they would once again take to the water after the Army Corps of Engineers Ironman division were able to successfully drain and refill the Tennessee River. Some competitors were

New Miller Park praised for pavement, lack of shade

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Chattanooga residents raved with delight about the newly redesigned Miller Park, which officially opened today, citing features including its white-brick pavement and lack of shade from the sun. “There isn’t as much tree coverage as before, but you know what? Screw trees,” said resident Kelly Altmink. “And people who want to sit in the shade

Blackburn, Bredesen agree to debate about soccer team names

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After plans had fizzled out regarding a possible October 1 debate in Chattanooga, U.S. Senate race candidates Marsha Blackburn and Phil Bredesen finally agreed to an impromptu Chattanooga debate yesterday as long as the topic was limited to selecting a name for the new Chattanooga Pro Soccer team. “Dear God, can we all agree that

Panhandlers eagerly awaiting re-opening of Miller Park

Members of the local chapter of the panhandling union (Panhandlers Local Union 58008) are eagerly anticipating the grand opening of Miller Park on September 14 after undergoing renovations for the last year. “It’s been a rough year,” said local panhandler Coots McGooligan. “Most of us had to disperse and hang out in other areas, like

Local beard oil supplies dangerously low before Moon River Festival

Authorities have cautioned the public to remain calm after it was revealed that local reserves of beard oil have become dangerously low, in advance of the Americana/roots music Moon River Festival this weekend in Coolidge Park. “Be warned, we may have to start rationing or placing anti-price-gouging controls on our remaining supplies of beard oil,”