July 2018

Encroaching armadillos inspire yoga trend

With armadillo sightings on the rise in southeast Tennessee, due to the nocturnal mammals’ attraction to warm climates, yoga enthusiasts have found a way to incorporate the animals into their sessions. This follows a national trend, which has been embraced by Chattanoogans, to involve various animals in yoga classes, including horses, goats, kittens and puppies.

Southside violence problem solved by new signs

In a stunning development, it was revealed that a few new signs posted at the parking lot near the Southside nightclub Coyote Jacks completely solved the area’s ongoing late-night violence problem. “There. All better,” said a representative from the community. “All you have to do is ask politely, and people will behave.” One sign reads

Golden Corral’s “Pay Your Age” promotion fails to draw crowds

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Golden Corral restaurants in the Chattanooga area failed to draw huge crowds today for its one-day-only “Pay Your Age” promotion. “We really didn’t think this one through,” said restaurant manager Pat Sanesca. “We should’ve known that our core customers are all senior citizens in their 60s, 70s, 80s or older.” This came on the heels

Satan opens up portal next to Broad Street Walgreens in hopes to score some good drugs

In an effort to score some great earthling medications, resident Hell spokesman Satan opened up a sinkhole right next to the Broad Street Walgreens with a path directly to his lair.  Sources a new loophole in the system has caused freshly deceased hell bound souls to leave any sort of prescription medications on earth while