September 2017

IRONMAN officials begin clearing roadways with high-speed bulldozers

In preparation for yet another IRONMAN triathlon this Sunday, event officials have begun the task of clearing every city and surrounding area roadway of cars and people using high-speed bulldozers. Sources say the local emergency notification system will issue a directive for all non-IRONMAN participants to stay indoors until every athlete has completed the course.

Republic Parking now accepts severed arms, legs as payment

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After Republic Parking received criticism for sharply increasing its parking fee in downtown Chattanooga temporarily to $20 during the recent Ironman competition, it announced that it would now accept severed arms and legs from those unable to come up with the necessary cash. “We overheard people saying that it cost an arm and a leg

Andy Berke becomes U.S. Secretary of the Treasury after judo chopping Steven Mnuchin behind a dumpster

After luring United States Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin behind a Washington DC dumpster and performing a judo chop to knock him out, look-a-like and Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke has assumed Mnuchin’s position. Experts believe the string of events started after Andy Berke’s wife Monique Berke posted an Instagram photo of her coming off