May 2016

Service entrance of local Mexican restaurant named top new make-out spot

After a poll given to local participants with shit-filled underpants, a local Mexican restaurant’s service entrance was named the area’s best new make-out spot.  The restaurant’s service entrance beat out past favorite make-out spots, including a climate-controlled storage facility in Cleveland.  Since Chattanooga was named “Best Town Ever” this past year, experts believe the new

Tenn. defunds UT diversity office, establishes Office of Conformity

After the Tennessee General Assembly passed a bill to defund the University of Tennessee’s Office for Diversity and Inclusion, it announced that in its place, it would establish an “Office of Conformity.” “One of the most important developments of industrial manufacturing is interchangeable parts, which made mass production possible,” said Adam Whitener, the new director

Young, aspiring politician pleads for pellet gun related violence to end

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After a brutal 24 hours of horrendous events in Chattanooga, which saw misleading social media posts and wounds that required the 45 minute-later care of a small band-aid, one local politician is pleading with the community to stop this new onset of terrible violence. “While the Chattanooga area has never seen this sort of horrific violence,

Gun-carrying professors must provide “trigger warning” before shooting students

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A controversial new Tennessee law passed earlier this week, allowing educators to carry handguns at public state universities and colleges starting July 1, but an amendment yesterday to the legislation requires that they must provide “trigger warnings” before shooting students. “Trigger warnings are typically provided before frank discussions of potentially traumatic subjects, such as abuse

Local developers call for new “Gentrification District”

After the establishment of an “Innovation District” in downtown Chattanooga last year and news about the re-design of Miller Park, local developers have urged the city to go even further and designate a “Gentrification District.” “We love Chattanooga and its natural beauty, its diverse culture and opportunities, but it’s just too doggone affordable,” said local