April 2016

Jack Bauer to play Revelry Room, eliminate gang violence in 24 hours


At a press conference this afternoon, the City of Chattanooga announced that it had hired agent Jack Bauer for a 24-hour period starting Sunday evening, during which he will perform a set of country music at the Revelry Room and also solve Chattanooga’s gang violence problem by any means necessary. “Although people want solutions quickly,

Local gangs agree to truce over bathroom bread thawing


After weeks of relentless violence, representatives from Chattanooga area gangs have agreed to a cease fire. Members say the shocking revelation of a local restaurant thawing out their sandwich bread in bathrooms have rendered members in a disgusted state where the willpower to continue drive-by shootings and stabbings has stopped. “Shooting up a house over

New Tenn. bill makes transgender students wear adult diapers


After the “bathroom bill” passed in a Tennessee House panel that would require transgender students to use bathrooms that correspond with the gender on their birth certificates, new legislation was proposed that would make transgender students wear adult diapers instead of using bathroom facilities. Civil rights and LGBT advocacy groups have opposed the bathroom bill,