September 2015

Edgy “Best of the Best” awards gala hosted by “Worst of the Worst”

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This year, for the Chattanooga Times Free Press‘ annual “Best of the Best” awards gala, organizers took it into an edgy, new direction by having it hosted by the 32 criminals deemed the “Worst of the Worst” by the Chattanooga Police Department in 2013. Accusations of being racist were not only levied against the Police

Pope Francis stopping in Chattanooga to compete in IRONMAN

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Jorge Mario Bergoglio aka Pope Francis announced during his visit to the United States that he plans to make a stop in Chattanooga over the weekend. He surprised onlookers by revealing he has entered the IRONMAN competition. This marks the first time in history that any living Pope has participated in the IRONMAN competition. “Blessed

VW offers pumpkin-spice emissions system for rigged diesel cars

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Just in time for the fall season, automaker Volkswagen announced today that it would offer a pumpkin-spice emissions system as a stopgap measure for its controversial diesel cars that were programmed to only use full emissions controls during official testing. “Sure, these diesel cars may emit up to 40 times the acceptable limit of unhealthy

VW halts “inflatable passenger” option for carpool lane users

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Automaker Volkswagen has halted plans to offer an “inflatable passenger” option in new cars for carpool lane users after allegations emerged from the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) that the software running on 482,000 diesel cars – including the 2014 and 2015 Passat manufactured in Chattanooga – was essentially a “defeat device” for emissions testing. The

Artisanal coffee shop bans hipsters in well-thought-out plan

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The artisanal, high-end coffee shop Grounds For Divorce announced that it had banned all hipsters from entering its premises in a well-thought-out plan. “Nobody wearing a vintage t-shirt or neon plastic sunglasses or carrying a book by Jacques Lacan or Chuck Palahniuk is welcome here,” said a spokesperson for Grounds For Divorce. “Hey, all you

Knoxville imprisons Mayor Berke in Sunsphere after winning “Top Towns” battle

After Knoxville defeated Chattanooga in the online “Top Towns” contest from Blue Ridge Outdoors magazine to determine the best outdoor city in the American South, it further asserted its dominance by imprisoning Mayor Andy Berke in the iconic Sunsphere. “How d’ya like them apples?” said Knoxville mayor Madeline Rogero, while pointing toward the Sunsphere, which