The local Regal Cinemas movie theater at Hamilton Place announced that it would upgrade from being a second-run bargain theater to a first-run luxury theater, offering an exquisite experience for viewing Hollywood tripe.
“After the upgrades, you will experience a state-of-the-art projection system to watch mindless drivel like ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2,'” said representative Bobby Lemirre. “Every drop of sweat on Paul Blart’s corpulent body will be crystal clear.”
“You will lose yourself in luxury, when you sit back in one of our ultra-comfy reclining seats, and you might even forget that you’re viewing one of those unwatchable CGI-shitstorms that are the ‘Transformers’ movies,” said Lemirre.
“Enjoy the new gourmet food and drink options,” said Lemirre. “And try to keep it all down when watching an ipecac substitute like a new M. Night Shyamalan movie.”
“Since the end of the ‘Last Golden Age’ in the ’70s, Hollywood has become devoted to appealing to the lowest common denominator,” said Lemirre. “It offers an endless parade of sequels, franchises and remakes, favoring stars, T&A and gratuitous violence over true creativity, but audiences will come out in droves anyway. So why not enjoy a glass of Chardonnay while you watch?”