August 2015

Burqa-wearing Sheriff Hammond to go undercover at local mosques

After Hamilton County Sheriff Jim Hammond discussed plans to monitor state-wide Muslim activity earlier today at a Hamilton County Pachyderm Club meeting, he vowed to wear a burqa and go undercover himself at local mosques to search for any potential Islamic extremists. Hammond called Islam “communism with a god” and “the strongest infringement that we’ve

Local broads celebrate Women’s Equality Day

Skirts across the city of Chattanooga celebrated the annual holiday Women’s Equality Day today, which commemorates the 95th anniversary of the certification of the 19th Amendment, guaranteeing broads the right to vote. “Major victories have been won in the war against sexism in the last century,” said local dollface Abigail Lissing. “But there is still

Local dollar theater plans upgrade to offer luxury while watching Hollywood tripe


The local Regal Cinemas movie theater at Hamilton Place announced that it would upgrade from being a second-run bargain theater to a first-run luxury theater, offering an exquisite experience for viewing Hollywood tripe. “After the upgrades, you will experience a state-of-the-art projection system to watch mindless drivel like ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2,'” said representative

Downtown YMCA Youth Soccer team to face winner of U.S. vs Costa Rica


A representative of the sport of Soccer announced that the local downtown YMCA Youth Co-ed Soccer team will face the winner of this month’s match between the US Women’s National Soccer and Costa Rica at Finley Stadium. The downtown YMCA co-ed soccer team is made up from 5-6-year-old boys and girls from around the area.