March 2015

Riverbend organizers wake from 19-year cryogenic hibernation, book hottest bands from 1996


At a press conference yesterday afternoon, organizers of the annual Riverbend summer music festival announced the final lineup for this year’s event, after being cryogenically frozen for nearly two decades. “We listened to all of you who said to us, ‘Show me the money!'” said Riverbend organizer Joselyn Boykinns. “We are confident you will think

TN dyes lethal injections green for St. Patrick’s Day


In Tennessee, Death Row just became a little more festive today, as the Tennessee Department of Correction dyed its lethal injections green to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. “Some of us with Irish blood say that we bleed green,” said Department of Correction representative Eoghan Maeleachlainn, who was dressed like a leprechaun. “Well, these convicted criminals

Meanies hurt State Sen. Todd Gardenhire’s feelings with sidewalk chalk drawings

Tuesday morning, it was discovered that a bunch of meanies drew colorful sidewalk chalk drawings outside the office of TN State Senator Todd Gardenhire, expressing disapproval. The chalk drawings criticized Gardenhire’s opposition toward Gov. Bill Haslam’s “Insure TN” proposal to insure 280,000 low-income Tennesseans and hurt his feelings in the process. “Why do people have

Cleveland TN adopts “Eunuchs only” policy for future Police Chiefs

After Cleveland, Tenn. Police Chief Dennis Maddux served only one day in the position before being reassigned to his previous position, city officials announced that it would enact a “Eunuchs only” policy for the hiring of future Police Chiefs. Police officer Jeff Griggs claimed that Maddux was kissing his wife Cindy Griggs in a parked