October 2014

No beheadings in 2014 so far, say Chattanooga Police

The Chattanooga Police department issued its quarterly report yesterday, following a violent week with multiple shootings, which presented statistics that reflected some good news, such as the fact that there have been no reports of beheadings in Chattanooga so far this year. “We are happy to say that there have been no homicidal decapitations in

Warehouse Row opening earlier to accommodate influx of elderly hipster mall walkers

Due to the opening of popular hipster clothing stores Anthropology and J Crew, officials from Warehouse Row announced the mall will begin opening at 5 am to accommodate the influx of elderly mall walkers, who will no doubt be of the hipster persuasion. “While we welcome our new early risers,” said Warehouse Row spokesmen Shirley Thompson,

Craigslist Frisbee Guy tapped to fight recent crime wave in Chattanooga

After two solid weeks of violence and murder in the Tennessee Valley, Chattanooga Police Chief Fred Fletcher announced plans to hire new internet sensation and Craigslist Frisbee advocate HecKtor Dangus (not his real name) to stop future outbreaks. “We believe Mr Dangus (not his real name) can try this shit in deterring future outbreaks in crime

TN Amendment 1.5 could prevent men from removing bowling balls from rectum for 9-month period


This election cycle, Tennessee voters will vote on Amendment 1.5 to the state Constitution, which could prevent men from removing bowling balls that have been lodged in their rectums for a 9-month period. The proposed amendment would read: “Nothing in this Constitution secures or protects a right for a man to remove a bowling ball

Haunted house to recreate Chattanooga’s most disturbing events of 2014

A new haunted house located in Chattanooga, to be completed in time for Halloween, will feature rooms that recreate various disturbing events from the news that have happened in the region this year. While locals have an assortment of haunted houses in the metropolitan Chattanooga area from which to choose, including Ruby Falls Haunted Cavern,