Monthly archive

April 2014

City considers light rail system for people too stuck-up to ride the bus

in Politics
Light rail (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/Bs3Sq)

The City of Chattanooga is considering implementing a light rail system between the downtown area, the airport and Enterprise South for people who are too stuck-up to ride the bus. “Entitled, snobbish do-gooders love public transportation,” said Transportation Director Martha Hearrin. “Well, except for buses.” “You see, people generally think…

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Mayor Berke’s State of the City speech namechecks every resident of Chattanooga

in Politics
Mayor Andy Berke (Modified under the CC-BY-NC-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/fqUWSz)

One year after taking office, Mayor Andy Berke gave his “State of the City” address at the Chattanoogan Hotel yesterday, providing a detailed status report in which he mentioned all 171,279 residents of Chattanooga individually. “Friends and neighbors, at my inauguration, I said that the Chattanooga story is not a…

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National Socialist Movement plans Bake Sale on the Hamilton County Courthouse Lawn

in Culture/Food/Drink

A representative from the National Socialist Movement, a neo-Nazi organization known for its belief in white supremacy and a weird saucy infatuation with Adolf Hitler, announced plans to hold a bake sale on the front lawn of the Hamilton County Courthouse on April 26th. The Chattanooga visit is part of…

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Old Man Winter to crap all over Chattanooga one more time

in Health
(Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/8WQfjG)

At a press conference this afternoon, Old Man Winter announced that he was going to take a massive dump all over Chattanooga one last time this season, with weather forecasters predicting the area to reach freezing temperatures tonight after days of enjoyably warm and sunny weather. “I mean that in…

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Krystal introduces burger-flavored moonshine

in Food/Drink
Moonshine still (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/8tZtwU)

The fast-food restaurant chain Krystal, founded in Chattanooga in 1932 and best known for its square-shaped Krystal hamburger sliders, unveiled yesterday its new product: a burger-flavored moonshine. Krystal was possibly inspired by another Chattanooga-born culinary treat, the Moon Pie, which earlier this year introduced Moon Pie-flavored moonshine, available in vanilla,…

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New Police Chief must have ability to sing National Anthem, Berke declares

in Politics
Hamilton County Deputy Sheriff singing National Anthem

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Mayor Andy Berke provided a status update regarding the search for the new Chattanooga Police Chief after former Chief Bobby Dodd retired last December, mentioning that the candidate list has been whittled down to fewer than 20 applicants and that the new Chief must…

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Times Free Press lists Chattanooga Bystander for sale on Craigslist

in Business
The TFP's listing on Craigslist to sell The Chattanooga Bystander

After purchasing The Chattanooga Bystander yesterday for $19 million dollars, the daily newspaper Chattanooga Times Free Press announced that it was selling the newly acquired online news website on Craigslist “for $199 or best offer.” The Craigslist advertisement also stated that the Times Free Press was open to possibly trading…

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BREAKING: TFP rehires Drew Johnson as new head Chattanooga Bystander editor.

in Business

It was just announced that the Chattanooga Times Free Press has rehired fired reporterDrew Johnson to head their new Chattanooga Bystander division of the paper. Times Free Press bought the Bystander this morning in a multi-million dollar deal. “We reached a deal and let bygones be bygones,” said Times Free…

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Chattanooga Bystander implements paywall

in Business
Chattanooga Bystander paywall pop-up window

After being purchased by The Chattanooga Times Free Press, it was announced by TFP managing editor Jordan Krampton that The Chattanooga Bystander would implement a paywall in order for readers to access its award-winning articles online. “We asked the publishers of The Chattanooga Bystander for their financial records,” said Krampton.…

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Times Free Press buys Chattanooga Bystander for $19 mil

in Business
The Chattanooga Bystander, presented by the Times Free Press

The daily broadsheet newspaper Chattanooga Times Free Press announced that it is purchasing the 1-year-old online news website The Chattanooga Bystander for $19 million dollars. “We want to heartily welcome The Chattanooga Bystander, being an award-winning publication known for its accurate reporting and respectful journalism,” said Times Free Press managing…

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