April 2014

City considers light rail system for people too stuck-up to ride the bus

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The City of Chattanooga is considering implementing a light rail system between the downtown area, the airport and Enterprise South for people who are too stuck-up to ride the bus. “Entitled, snobbish do-gooders love public transportation,” said Transportation Director Martha Hearrin. “Well, except for buses.” “You see, people generally think trains are romantic,” said Hearrin.

Mayor Berke’s State of the City speech namechecks every resident of Chattanooga

One year after taking office, Mayor Andy Berke gave his “State of the City” address at the Chattanoogan Hotel yesterday, providing a detailed status report in which he mentioned all 171,279 residents of Chattanooga individually. “Friends and neighbors, at my inauguration, I said that the Chattanooga story is not a single story, but a vast

National Socialist Movement plans Bake Sale on the Hamilton County Courthouse Lawn

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A representative from the National Socialist Movement, a neo-Nazi organization known for its belief in white supremacy and a weird saucy infatuation with Adolf Hitler, announced plans to hold a bake sale on the front lawn of the Hamilton County Courthouse on April 26th. The Chattanooga visit is part of the organization’s “Bake and Hate”

Krystal introduces burger-flavored moonshine

The fast-food restaurant chain Krystal, founded in Chattanooga in 1932 and best known for its square-shaped Krystal hamburger sliders, unveiled yesterday its new product: a burger-flavored moonshine. Krystal was possibly inspired by another Chattanooga-born culinary treat, the Moon Pie, which earlier this year introduced Moon Pie-flavored moonshine, available in vanilla, chocolate and banana-flavored varieties. Krystal

New Police Chief must have ability to sing National Anthem, Berke declares

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Mayor Andy Berke provided a status update regarding the search for the new Chattanooga Police Chief after former Chief Bobby Dodd retired last December, mentioning that the candidate list has been whittled down to fewer than 20 applicants and that the new Chief must have the ability to sing

Times Free Press lists Chattanooga Bystander for sale on Craigslist

After purchasing The Chattanooga Bystander yesterday for $19 million dollars, the daily newspaper Chattanooga Times Free Press announced that it was selling the newly acquired online news website on Craigslist “for $199 or best offer.” The Craigslist advertisement also stated that the Times Free Press was open to possibly trading it for a used lawnmower

BREAKING: TFP rehires Drew Johnson as new head Chattanooga Bystander editor.

It was just announced that the Chattanooga Times Free Press has rehired fired reporterDrew Johnson to head their new Chattanooga Bystander division of the paper. Times Free Press bought the Bystander this morning in a multi-million dollar deal. “We reached a deal and let bygones be bygones,” said Times Free Press president Jason Taylor. “We’re excited

Chattanooga Bystander implements paywall

After being purchased by The Chattanooga Times Free Press, it was announced by TFP managing editor Jordan Krampton that The Chattanooga Bystander would implement a paywall in order for readers to access its award-winning articles online. “We asked the publishers of The Chattanooga Bystander for their financial records,” said Krampton. “They just handed us an

Times Free Press buys Chattanooga Bystander for $19 mil

The daily broadsheet newspaper Chattanooga Times Free Press announced that it is purchasing the 1-year-old online news website The Chattanooga Bystander for $19 million dollars. “We want to heartily welcome The Chattanooga Bystander, being an award-winning publication known for its accurate reporting and respectful journalism,” said Times Free Press managing editor Jordan Krampton. “They deliver