March 2014

Mila Kunis pregnant by Rock City gnome

After the engaged celebrities Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher announced today that they were expecting their first child, Kunis made the shocking revelation that the father wasn’t Kutcher but instead was a gnome named Winkle McTwinklebuttergingersnap whom Kunis met while visiting Rock City last December. Kunis apologized for her infidelity, and Kutcher has committed to

Councilman Hakeem suggests replacing public transportation with pub-crawl pedal carriages

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It has been a turbulent week for Chattanooga City Council Chairman Yusuf Hakeem, whose invitation to a Monday meeting to discuss a possible public voucher program in partnership with Millennium Taxi to augment inner-city transportation was rejected by Transportation Administrator Blythe Bailey. Bailey declined attending the meeting over concerns that selecting a particular vendor early

Silverdale inmate who gave birth while shackled accidentally invented new fetish

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While a former Silverdale correctional facility inmate is suing Silverdale, Corrections Corporation of America and the sheriff of Hamilton County for being shackled last year to a hospital bed while giving birth, local perverts and the adult entertainment industry are praising her for inadvertently inventing a new fetish. The lawsuit alleges that being chained up

Fleischmann to endorse Mayfield Dairy products

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After Scottie Mayfield endorsed 3rd District Congressional Representative Chuck Fleischmann this morning for the upcoming election, despite being rivals in the 2012 election, Fleischmann returned the favor by formally endorsing Mayfield Dairy products. “Everyone knows that quid pro quo arrangements are how anything gets done in politics,” said Fleischmann, wearing a sweater bearing the Mayfield

Bryan College requires staff to sacrifice first-born sons.

In a news release by Bryan College President Stephen Livesay, it was announced that all staff members must vow to sacrifice their first-born sons to stay employed by the school. Livesay explained the new requirement comes with Bryan’s new “bible or bust” policy. Many believe the policy stems from the recent public Creationism vs. Evolution

God puts Wysong’s prayer for Anderson’s recall at bottom of priority list

With the effort to recall District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson currently lagging behind the goal to gather around 1,600 signatures, having only gathered around 300 signatures so far, Chattanooga Tea Party member Charles Wysong, who is aiding the recall effort, turned to God for help, saying, “Prayer and fasting is in order…My prayer is

Chattanooga shootings up, crime down due to poor marksmanship

The City of Chattanooga announced new statistics, showing that while the number of shootings has increased, crime has actually decreased, which has been attributed to declining marksmanship skills. “There are more guns out there and more rounds being fired than ever,” said interim Chattanooga Police Chief Brett Laemmel. “But these drunk hillbillies and gang bangers

Code for America Chattanooga announces successful hack of former Mayor Ron Littlefield’s AOL account.

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Earlier today, a spokesman for the Chattanooga 2014 Code for America project announced their first big accomplishment for the year. The announcement comes just mere weeks after the initial meet up with local coders and government officials alike. “We believe city government transparency reaches far beyond current high level office holders,” explained Chattanooga Code for