Monthly archive

October 2013

Rep. Scott DesJarlais is Uncle Fester for Halloween

in Culture/Politics
Rep. Scott DesJarlais (l), Uncle Fester (r)

Rep. Scott DesJarlais, who represents Tennessee’s 4th congressional district, was praised by his constituents on Halloween for his convincing portrayal of the character Uncle Fester from the mid-’60s television show The Addams Family. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said DesJarlais, who seemed to be annoyed by the many…

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BREAKING: Deceased prostitute discovered in trunk during Rossville area “Trunk or Treat” event

in Culture/Sports/Rec

According to witnesses, a deceased prostitute was discovered during a local “Trunk or Treat” event at an unnamed Rossville area church. Bystanders reported the prostitute was discovered under a KFC bucket of candy in the trunk of an unmanned vehicle during the event. “One minute you’re dressing your kid up…

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Hamilton County Schools may turn to capital punishment if corporal punishment is dropped.

in Education

In a press conference this morning with Hamilton County Schools superintendent Rick Smith, it was announced that Chattanooga area schools would employ a capital punishment policy if forced to give up corporal punishment. The announcement comes after a recent nationwide debate on whether or not school officials should still be…

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Local Gen Y-ers stop complaining for two hours during Neutral Milk Hotel concert

in Culture
Neutral Milk Hotel

In an unprecedented occurrence yesterday at the concert venue Track 29, it was reported that all local members of Generation Y – people currently in their teens through the age of 30 – had collectively stopped complaining for two hours, during the performance by the indie-rock band Neutral Milk Hotel.…

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Samuel L. Jackson addresses motherf-cking snake problem at Brainerd High School

in Education
Samuel L. Jackson (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/5d5Lww)

One week ago, it was reported that Brainerd High School experienced sightings of snakes, after a replacement of the facility’s heating and air conditioning system had spurred rodents to enter the school to search for food, followed by snakes who hunted for rodents. One former Chattanooga resident has been unhappy…

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Delta Queen Riverboat to be relocated atop Walnut Street walking bridge

in Business/Culture

After the announcement of Chattanooga’s own Walnut Street walking bridge as one of the top public places in America, a representative from the shunned neighboring Delta Queen Riverboat announced plans to relocate the boat atop the popular tourist attraction. The Delta Queen has made news in recent months by being…

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Councilman Chris Anderson reveals he is straight on National Coming Out Day

in Politics
District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson surprised his constituency by announcing on National Coming Out Day that he was actually heterosexual. “Fooled ya,” said Anderson, with a smile and a wink to the crowd of reporters and citizens. “You could say I pulled the…

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Fired police Emmer and Cooley to star in wacky sitcom as crime-fighting duo

in Culture/Politics
Former Chattanooga police Sean Emmer and Adam Cooley

After an incident caught on video in June 2012 involving halfway house inmate Adam Tatum, which left him with two broken legs, Chattanooga Police Officers Sean Emmer and Adam Cooley were terminated from their positions for using force that was deemed excessive. However, administrative law Judge Kim Summers ruled that…

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