September 2013

Mayor Berke upset that Obama stopped “Liking” his Facebook posts

Eight weeks after President Obama’s trip to Chattanooga to visit the Amazon fulfillment center, Mayor Andy Berke expressed disappointment that Obama has apparently stopped “Liking” his posts on the Facebook social network. “I don’t understand it,” said Berke, getting choked up while attempting to remain composed. “I thought we really hit it off, during that

Human altar sacrifices becoming popular among area high school football coaches


The warmth of the hot Friday night lights isn’t the only heat one may soon feel during a local weekly high school Football game. Area High School Football coaches are upping the ante in pre-game rituals by performing human altar sacrifices in hopes to come out on top. Recent polls have shown that many coaches

Bearded hipster community tapped for Civil War reenactment

Local historian Lester Goggin, one of the head organizers of the reenactment of the American Civil War Battle of Chickamauga, scheduled to commemorate its 150th anniversary, was facing a crisis several weeks ago. “We were looking at the number of participants, and we were nowhere close to having enough authentic-looking reenactors to properly stage the

BREAKING: EPB announces free dial up internet service for 4th anniversary.


In celebration of their 4th year of providing world renowned Internet service, EPB officials announced they will begin offering 56k dial up, free of charge. “We are using our state of the art smart grid technology to ensure every customer has unprecedented access to our wonderful new dial up internet service,” explained EPB spokesman John

R. Kelly to debut new album “Black Depends” about senior fetish at Track 29

R&B singer and recording artist R. Kelly has announced that next month, at the Chattanooga venue Track 29, he will debut his new album, Black Depends, by performing it in its entirety. The controversial, court-embattled singer is known for his intense fetishes for elderly women and urolagnia, which are the two passions combined on his

BREAKING: Lake Winnepesaukah Announces Partnership with Six Flags Over Georgia for World’s Longest Water Park


During a press conference this morning at Lake Winnepesaukah’s “Wet Spot” location of Soak Ya, a representative from the amusement park announced a partnership with Six Flags to build the world’s longest waterpark.  The announcement came just a few days after Six Flags Over Georgia unveiled plans to open its own water park in 2014.