July 2013

Obama Storms Offices of TFP, Issues Executive Swirly on Social Media Director


During his tour of Chattanooga this afternoon, President Obama and his motorcade stopped by the offices of the Times Free Press in response to the recent hate-baiting questions asked on the publication’s Facebook page. The President, who had been following the posts since last Thursday, considered almost not coming to Chattanooga after seeing terrible comments

Obama halts anti-obesity “Let’s Move!” campaign after visit to Bea’s


During a long lunch at the beloved Chattanooga southern home-cooking buffet restaurant Bea’s, President Barack Obama announced that he was going to ask the First Lady Michelle Obama to end her “Let’s Move!” campaign, which she started in 2010 to fight obesity and promote healthy eating. Bea’s Restaurant on Dodds Avenue, a local favorite since

Obama visits Normal Park school, lets honor student conduct drone strike


During President Barack Obama’s one-day visit to Chattanooga, he stopped by the Normal Park Museum Magnet School in North Chattanooga to speak with students about maintaining peace in the world, even allowing one honor student to conduct a remote drone strike in Pakistan. “As the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009, I know

President Obama Stops By Rock City, Calls Bullshit on Seeing Seven States


During a stop today at Chattanooga tourism mainstay Rock City, President Obama was overheard commenting about the park’s main attraction of “seeing seven states” as “complete bullshit.” “I believe the great citizens of Chattanooga are being ass fed a shit bag of lies,” said President Obama. “I paid my goddamn quarter and couldn’t see a

Clerical error blamed for Presidential tour of North Shore barge


The City of Chattanooga has blamed a clerical error for a mix-up regarding President Barack Obama’s visit, which led the Presidential entourage to tour the infamous deteriorating North Shore barge—widely considered to be an eyesore and embarrassment—instead of the flourishing Amazon fulfillment center as expected. After Obama stepped out of the presidential limousine and onto

Secret Service Seen Dragging Vice President Joe Biden from Local Gentlemens Club Diamonds and Lace


After arriving a day before President Barack Obama in Chattanooga, Vice President Joe Biden was seen entering Chattanooga’s own Diamonds and Lace show bar in a drunken stupor. It was reported that members of Vice President Biden’s secret service team were seen dragging the intoxicated Vice President out of the night club this morning around

Foodies rejoice: Artisanal meth comes to Chattanooga

Without a doubt, eating well has become a more prominent cultural pursuit for people of all ages over the last decade, with a rapidly growing movement of so-called “foodies” eager to share new gastronomical discoveries using online social networks and blogs, and Chattanooga has done its best to keep up with more populous urban locales,

The Bystander extends TFP’s “The View” boycott: “We will never jack off to Jenny McCarthy again”


Yesterday, the Chattanooga Times Free Press published an editorial asking readers to boycott the ABC network daytime television talk show The View after it recently announced it was adding co-host Jenny McCarthy—Playboy Playmate, television host and actress. McCarthy has been widely criticized for continuing to spread the myth that vaccinating children can lead to autism,

BREAKING: Whirlpool Announces It Has Been Successfully Shamed

BREAKING: A representative from the Whirlpool Corporation announced this morning that the company has successfully and sufficiently been shamed. “We will now attempt to awaken the two gentlemen, who have been at our necks for many months, and comply with whatever shaming they have in mind,” exclaimed Whirlpool PR spokesmen Todd Harris. It is believed