Panhandlers eagerly awaiting re-opening of Miller Park

in Culture
Panhandler

Members of the local chapter of the panhandling union (Panhandlers Local Union 58008) are eagerly anticipating the grand opening of Miller Park on September 14 after undergoing renovations for the last year. “It’s been a rough year,” said local panhandler Coots McGooligan. “Most of us had to disperse and hang…

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Local beard oil supplies dangerously low before Moon River Festival

in Culture
Bearded man who probably likes Americana music

Authorities have cautioned the public to remain calm after it was revealed that local reserves of beard oil have become dangerously low, in advance of the Americana/roots music Moon River Festival this weekend in Coolidge Park. “Be warned, we may have to start rationing or placing anti-price-gouging controls on our…

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Rep. Diane Black blames porn for defeat

in Politics
Representative Diane Black (R-Tenn.)

After underdog and outsider Bill Lee won the Republican gubernatorial primary election yesterday, in a highly competitive race with several contenders, Representative Diane Black blamed her loss on pornography. Black had attracted criticism in May after remarking that pornography was a root cause of school shootings. In a stunning upset,…

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Unopposed loses big once again in area elections

in Politics

As polls closed this evening for elections around the Tennessee Valley, supporters of candidate Unopposed were once again left with their hearts broken. Supporters of Unopposed are blaming the mainstream media for not giving candidate Unopposed equal speaking time. “It’s freaking bullshit that the powers that be don’t allow Unopposed to participate…

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Encroaching armadillos inspire yoga trend

in Health
Armadillo yoga

With armadillo sightings on the rise in southeast Tennessee, due to the nocturnal mammals’ attraction to warm climates, yoga enthusiasts have found a way to incorporate the animals into their sessions. This follows a national trend, which has been embraced by Chattanoogans, to involve various animals in yoga classes, including…

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Southside violence problem solved by new signs

in Politics
Southside sign #1

In a stunning development, it was revealed that a few new signs posted at the parking lot near the Southside nightclub Coyote Jacks completely solved the area’s ongoing late-night violence problem. “There. All better,” said a representative from the community. “All you have to do is ask politely, and people…

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Pence to talk with Rep. Marsha Blackburn through hole in sheet

in Politics
VP Mike Pence (left), Rep. Marsha Blackburn (right)

Vice President Mike Pence made a vow to only talk with Republican Senate candidate Marsha Blackburn through a hole in a sheet today at a fundraiser in Chattanooga. Pence told The Hill in 2002 that he never dines alone with a woman who isn’t his wife and that he won’t…

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Golden Corral’s “Pay Your Age” promotion fails to draw crowds

in Business/Food/Drink
Senior lady

Golden Corral restaurants in the Chattanooga area failed to draw huge crowds today for its one-day-only “Pay Your Age” promotion. “We really didn’t think this one through,” said restaurant manager Pat Sanesca. “We should’ve known that our core customers are all senior citizens in their 60s, 70s, 80s or older.”…

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