Golden Corral’s “Pay Your Age” promotion fails to draw crowds

in Business/Food/Drink
Senior lady

Golden Corral restaurants in the Chattanooga area failed to draw huge crowds today for its one-day-only “Pay Your Age” promotion. “We really didn’t think this one through,” said restaurant manager Pat Sanesca. “We should’ve known that our core customers are all senior citizens in their 60s, 70s, 80s or older.”…

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EPB urges use of paper porn during Internet outage

in Business/Culture
Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/ZtS2J
Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/ZtS2J

Power company and Internet provider EPB asked its customers to use paper porn during a temporary Internet outage earlier today. “For many of you, we know, based on your Internet browsing history, that online porn is a part of your lives, morning, noon and night,” said EPB representative Kris Sobiscan.…

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Vodka mistakenly served instead of Holy Water during Riverbend’s Faith and Family night

in Food/Drink/Riverbend

In what some are calling an error of biblical proportions, drink vendors during Riverbend’s Faith and Family night served festival-goers Vodka instead of the usual holy water on the sacred rocks. Experts on the matter believe there should be no cause for alarm as both liquids lead those who partake…

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Few remaining open roads in downtown Chattanooga to be closed by next Friday

in Uncategorized

After months of road work causing closures on many streets in downtown Chattanooga, a representative from the City of Chattanooga’s transportation department announced plans to go ahead and shut down the remaining roads by next Friday. Sources say the closures have caused headaches for many downtown commuters, and some have…

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Royal honeymoon mistakenly booked at King’s Lodge

in Business/Culture
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Inset: King's Lodge.

Amid speculation regarding where newlyweds Prince Harry and Meghan Markle would spend their honeymoon, it was revealed that in a colossal error, their matrimonial vacation was booked at King’s Lodge in Chattanooga. According to a spokesperson, the hotel was booked after the royal family’s travel agent read a glowing article…

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David Blaine to hold breath for 18 minutes inside chicken processing plant

in Culture/Food/Drink
David Blaine

While in Chattanooga for his June 2 performance at the Tivoli Theatre, street magician and endurance artist David Blaine announced that he would break a world record by holding his breath for 18 minutes while locked inside the downtown chicken processing plant. Blaine has performed endurance stunts including being encased…

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