West Village sculptures revealed to be cruel Banksy prank

in Culture
Outdoor sculpture in Chattanooga's West Village

After much speculation, it was revealed today that the atrocious sculptures located on the sidewalks of Chattanooga’s West Village were a cruel prank by Banksy, the anonymous British street artist. “Why must you punish us with this terrible, terrible art?” said resident Cris Tillzay while shaking a fist at a…

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TDOT advising everyone to just stay home during I-75/24 split construction

in Business

This week during a press conference discussing the plans of the upcoming I-75 and I-24 split construction, a representative for the Tennessee Department of Transportation announced that motorists should probably just stay home during the project. The construction, which will begin this summer, will bring devastation to the area that…

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Public Library down to 30 books after watching “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo”

in Education
Five of the remaining 30 books at the Chattanooga Public Library

After the staff of the Chattanooga Public Library watched the new Netflix series “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo” about decluttering, a decision was swiftly made to reduce the library’s collection down to a mere 30 books. “You won’t believe how liberating this feels,” said library director Ashley Collfrab. “We held…

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Giant Tivoli screen to display Mayor Berke’s teeth 24/7

in Culture
Mayor Berke's teeth on the Tivoli Theater screen

The Tivoli Theater Foundation announced that the new, giant 50-foot drop-down screen and state-of-the-art 4K digital projector installed in the Tivoli Theater would display Mayor Berke’s teeth 24 hours a day, seven days a week, except during scheduled events. “We have the technology, so let’s use it as much as…

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John Wise begins rebuilding all properties after last weeks devastating earthquakes

in Business

Just one week after devastating earthquakes rocked the Tennessee Valley area, local developer John Wise announced rebuilding has begun after every one of his buildings was destroyed. Sources say the actual dollar value of buildings destroyed will total into the hundreds and possibly even thousand. Experts were stunned after literally…

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Trump vows to only use Presidential Alerts about Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club

in Sports/Rec/Trumpanooga '18

During his speech in Chattanooga Today, President Donald J Trump announced he will only use the new controversial Presidential Alert system to make announcements about the new Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club. “You know that I know that Red Wolves Soccer is the best Soccer in Chattanooga”, explained Trump. “Believe…

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Trump rally extended for one hour while he tries to pronounce Thongnopnua

in Politics/Trumpanooga '18

A representative from the Trump caravan announced tonight’s rally will be extended one hour after the president saw a “Joda Thongnopnua for House District 30” sign during his flight to the area. As with words like “anonymous,” the president will need more time to try and pronounce the district 30 candidate’s name.…

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Mike Pence ponders move to Chattanooga area after learning of two Golden Corral locations

in Food/Drink/Trumpanooga '18

During his weekend visit to the Chattanooga area, acting Vice President Mike Pence announced he is considering relocating somewhere in town after learning of two Golden Corral eateries, one in Chattanooga, and one in Fort Oglethorpe. Experts say Golden Corral is a favorite dining establishment among southern Churchgoers, who do not see…

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