Clippy makes surprise visit to Howard School

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The students and teachers of Howard School were surprised today by a visit from Clippy, the anthropomorphic paper clip from Microsoft Office software, on its annual Awards Day. “It looks like you’re graduating from Howard School!” said Clippy, who was floating in mid-air on a sheet of yellow notepad paper. “Would you like help writing

Ala. lawmakers declare life begins when stork kisses bee in cabbage patch

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Alabama state legislators passed a controversial bill today declaring that human life begins when a stork kisses a bee in a cabbage patch. “According to our best male scientists, who have a deep understanding of the human reproductive system, a baby is created when a man and a woman love each other very much, and

Moxy, EPB to harness fucking as renewable energy source

Moxy Hotel and EPB unveiled today a plan to expand local renewable energy sources by harnessing the power of fucking at Moxy’s Chattanooga location. “It feels good to be environmentally conscious,” said Ashley Hawkittel, a representative for the partnership. “You know what else feels good? Fucking.” Hawkittel explained that all furniture, showers, tubs, flooring, walls

Demon accidentally summoned at Sculpture Burn

Chattanooga authorities are asking locals to remain calm after it was revealed that last night’s Sculpture Burn at the “Spring into Sculpture” event at Sculpture Fields accidentally summoned a demon. “We knew there was a possibility of this happening, so that’s why we purchased demon insurance,” said event organizer Morgan Ontenman. “Insurance will pay for

Coyote Jacks releases new playlist of farm-themed songs after urban music ban

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After a recent announcement from the nightclub Coyote Jacks about renovations and a ban on “all forms of urban music,” which some perceived as being racist, a new playlist was released for the club featuring only farm-themed songs. “You’d be surprised about the rich assortment of songs out there about growing sorghum,” said Eulas “Critter”

TVA accidentally releases the Kraken during flood preparations

During preparations for possible historic flooding this week, it was announced that TVA engineers accidentally released the Kraken while emptying out water reservoirs. Sources say that while TVA was working with the Army Corps of Engineers to prepare for excessive water levels, the Navy, Air Force, Marines, and new Space Force have been additionally called

School closings blamed on children not vaccinated for cooties

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Hamilton County Schools were closed today due to illness, and an outbreak of cooties was to blame, despite the wide availability of a vaccine. “It may look like innocent hand-holding, but let me tell you, boys and girls, spreading cooties is no laughing matter,” said school nurse Pat Grundersen. “And if you’re not vaccinated, don’t

Police recommend putting nacho cheese in pockets to thwart pickpockets

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After video footage was released of a pickpocket stealing a woman’s phone at a convenience store, Chattanooga Police recommended that people put nacho cheese in their pockets to discourage theft. “Don’t be a victim, especially to some douchebag thief who dresses like Silent Bob’s friend Jay,” said officer Terry Maptrost. “The best way to thwart

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