Riverbend

Festival rules say Riverbend wristbands must be worn until death

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Attendees of the newly revamped 4-day Riverbend Festival, which began today, were shocked to learn that their admission wristbands must be worn until they die. “I knew that you weren’t allowed to remove your wristband until the end of the festival,” said Riverbend attendee Butch Ausphot, while squinting at the wristband. “But by golly, there

Acts to perform songs twice as fast at shorter 4-day Riverbend

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It was announced at a press conference today that Chattanooga’s annual Riverbend Festival would be shortened from nine days to four days, and to fit the same amount of material in a shorter time, music acts would be required to perform their songs twice as fast. “Half as long, twice as fast, baby!” said Riverbend

Vodka mistakenly served instead of Holy Water during Riverbend’s Faith and Family night

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In what some are calling an error of biblical proportions, drink vendors during Riverbend’s Faith and Family night served festival-goers Vodka instead of the usual holy water on the sacred rocks. Experts on the matter believe there should be no cause for alarm as both liquids lead those who partake to Jesus anyway. “I am

Toby Keith cancels Riverbend performance to join Church of Urth

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Just hours before his performance at the 2017 Riverbend Festival, country music star Toby Keith announced plans to cancel the gig and join the Church of Urth. Sources say the newly formed church has cleared a path for Keith’s tour buses to pull into their some to be evicted home at the Mercy Junction. Experts

Riverbend attendees urged to pretend they’re at Bonnaroo, not shower to conserve water

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After Tennessee American Water asked customers east of Missionary Ridge to curb water usage, due to major repair work on a broken valve, Riverbend attendees were urged to pretend they’re at Bonnaroo by not showering. “Some consider Riverbend to be the cheaper, county-fair-style alternative to the more renowned Bonnaroo,” said resident Damon Jesbedder. “But tonight,

Bryan College President Stephen Livesay forcing faith and family night performers to sign statement of belief

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While acts were arriving for Riverbend’s annual Faith and Family night, Bryan College President Stephen Livesay was spotted forcing artists so sign a statement of belief, an act he was highly scrutinized for some years ago. Sources say Livesay quickly approached headliner Crowder as he arrived at the festival grounds, who became so startled that

Bessie Smith descendants recall her favorite hipster craft beer bars during Strut

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While hundreds crowd Martin Luther King Jr Boulevard for Riverbend’s Bessie Smith Strut, descendants of the late Chattanooga singer reflect of her favorite hipster craft beer spots. Reporters caught up with Smith’s descendants as they enjoyed the Strut’s fried chicken offerings while surrounded by a group of drunk caucasians. “When Bessie wasn’t chomping down on

Singing man shocks Riverbend Festival attendees with profanity-ridden performance (NOT REAL)

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During his Saturday night performance at the 2017 Riverbend Festival, former Eagles member song singing man sent attendances home shocked and upset with his profanity-laced lyrics. All of this happened just an hour before the 9:30 headliner Ludacris took the stage with his family friendly show. The night began to take a turn for Riverbend

Riverbend headliner Toby Keith investigated for sharing secret guitar riffs with Saudis

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Three weeks after country music star and Riverbend headliner Toby Keith performed in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia to an all-male audience, taking place during President Trump’s first overseas trip, it was reported that Keith was being investigated for sharing secret guitar riffs with the Saudi government. “We need to get to the bottom of this,” said

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