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Obamanooga ’13

Mayor Berke upset that Obama stopped “Liking” his Facebook posts

in Obamanooga '13

Eight weeks after President Obama’s trip to Chattanooga to visit the Amazon fulfillment center, Mayor Andy Berke expressed disappointment that Obama has apparently stopped “Liking” his posts on the Facebook social network. “I don’t understand it,” said Berke, getting choked up while attempting to remain composed. “I thought we really…

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BREAKING: TFP’s Johnson fired for changing approved headline of “Suck My fu*king d*ck Obama” to “Take your jobs plan and shove it.”

in Business/Obamanooga '13/Politics

Times Free Press reporter Drew Johnson was reportedly fired today after changing the approved headline on his critical review of President Obama’s recent trip to Chattanooga. The original title of “Suck my Fucking Dick Obama,” was approved by Free Press editors, but changed to “Take your jobs plan and shove…

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Obama Storms Offices of TFP, Issues Executive Swirly on Social Media Director

in Obamanooga '13

During his tour of Chattanooga this afternoon, President Obama and his motorcade stopped by the offices of the Times Free Press in response to the recent hate-baiting questions asked on the publication’s Facebook page. The President, who had been following the posts since last Thursday, considered almost not coming to…

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Obama halts anti-obesity “Let’s Move!” campaign after visit to Bea’s

in Food/Drink/Obamanooga '13

During a long lunch at the beloved Chattanooga southern home-cooking buffet restaurant Bea’s, President Barack Obama announced that he was going to ask the First Lady Michelle Obama to end her “Let’s Move!” campaign, which she started in 2010 to fight obesity and promote healthy eating. Bea’s Restaurant on Dodds…

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Obama visits Normal Park school, lets honor student conduct drone strike

in Education/Obamanooga '13/Politics

During President Barack Obama’s one-day visit to Chattanooga, he stopped by the Normal Park Museum Magnet School in North Chattanooga to speak with students about maintaining peace in the world, even allowing one honor student to conduct a remote drone strike in Pakistan. “As the recipient of the Nobel Peace…

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President Obama Stops By Rock City, Calls Bullshit on Seeing Seven States

in Business/Obamanooga '13

During a stop today at Chattanooga tourism mainstay Rock City, President Obama was overheard commenting about the park’s main attraction of “seeing seven states” as “complete bullshit.” “I believe the great citizens of Chattanooga are being ass fed a shit bag of lies,” said President Obama. “I paid my goddamn…

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Clerical error blamed for Presidential tour of North Shore barge

in Business/Obamanooga '13

The City of Chattanooga has blamed a clerical error for a mix-up regarding President Barack Obama’s visit, which led the Presidential entourage to tour the infamous deteriorating North Shore barge—widely considered to be an eyesore and embarrassment—instead of the flourishing Amazon fulfillment center as expected. After Obama stepped out of…

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Secret Service Seen Dragging Vice President Joe Biden from Local Gentlemens Club Diamonds and Lace

in Obamanooga '13

After arriving a day before President Barack Obama in Chattanooga, Vice President Joe Biden was seen entering Chattanooga’s own Diamonds and Lace show bar in a drunken stupor. It was reported that members of Vice President Biden’s secret service team were seen dragging the intoxicated Vice President out of the…

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