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BREAKING: Poo poo face Trump bans doody head Corker from White House adult day care center

in Politics

After an exchange of strongly worded tweets between President Trump and Congressman Bob Corker, Trump announced he had banned Corker from attending the White House adult day care, just before residents were about to be given their daily treat of Activia yogurt snacks. “SAD that Corker has to be such…

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Confederate statue to wear silly hat as compromise

in Politics
Statue of Gen. A.P. Stewart with silly hat

Ending a series of heated arguments regarding calls to remove the statue of Confederate Army Lt. Gen. A.P. Stewart from the front of the Hamilton County Courthouse, a compromise was reached between opposing sides, where the statue is allowed to stay but must wear a silly hat. “A government building…

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Andy Berke becomes U.S. Secretary of the Treasury after judo chopping Steven Mnuchin behind a dumpster

in Politics

After luring United States Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin behind a Washington DC dumpster and performing a judo chop to knock him out, look-a-like and Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke has assumed Mnuchin’s position. Experts believe the string of events started after Andy Berke’s wife Monique Berke posted an Instagram…

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Councilwoman Coonrod demands to speak with Mayor McCheese for burger complaint

in Food/Drink/Politics
Mayor McCheese

Councilwoman Demetrus Coonrod reportedly demanded to speak with Mayor McCheese to lodge a complaint at a fast food restaurant about a burger that was not made to her satisfaction. This news comes after it was revealed in Chattanooga Police body-cam footage that Coonrod asked to speak with then-police Chief Fred…

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“Before I Die in Five Minutes…” wall installed in crime-ridden East Chatt.

in Politics
"Before I Die" wall. (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/jxnfsP)

After the success of a “Before I Die” chalkboard wall installed in Coolidge Park, upon which people are encouraged to write their “bucket list” items, a wall was installed in East Chattanooga that is a slight variation on the concept. Instead of lines that read “Before I Die I Want…

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“Hail Satan” license plates now available in Tenn.

in Politics

After Tennessee legislators passed a bill to allow residents to get license plates that bear the phrase “In God We Trust,” in the interest of religious diversity, other plates were made available that bear other religious phrases, including “Shalom,” “Namaste,” “Praise Jah” and “Hail Satan.” “It’s only fair,” said State…

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Riverbend headliner Toby Keith investigated for sharing secret guitar riffs with Saudis

in Culture/Politics/Riverbend
Toby Keith and Rabeh Saqer in concert on May 20, 2017

Three weeks after country music star and Riverbend headliner Toby Keith performed in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia to an all-male audience, taking place during President Trump’s first overseas trip, it was reported that Keith was being investigated for sharing secret guitar riffs with the Saudi government. “We need to get to…

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Sen. Corker Googles “How to remove bumper sticker without damaging paint”

in Politics

Senator Bob Corker has Googled the phrase “How to remove bumper sticker without damaging paint,” reports say. This news comes one day after Corker, chairman of the Foreign Relations Committee, made comments to reporters about the White House, saying, “Obviously they’re in a downward spiral right now.” “Man, I just…

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City eliminates all crime by closing one convenience store

in Business/Politics
The Westside Shop

In one astounding move, the City of Chattanooga eliminated all crime, including gang activity and drug deals, by closing down a single convenience store: the Westside Shop. “Why didn’t we think of this earlier?” said a representative from the Hamilton County District Attorney’s office. “Who would’ve thought it would be…

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Chief Fred Fletcher announces plans to sell dietary supplements after retirement

in Business/Politics

Some weeks after Chattanooga Police Chief Fred Fletcher announced retirement after his contract ends this summer, Fletcher revealed plans to supplement his income by offering a broad range of dietary and energy supplements. Fletcher, who has been Chattanooga Police chief since 2014, has always dreamed of being his own boss…

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