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Southside violence problem solved by new signs

in Politics
Southside sign #1

In a stunning development, it was revealed that a few new signs posted at the parking lot near the Southside nightclub Coyote Jacks completely solved the area’s ongoing late-night violence problem. “There. All better,” said a representative from the community. “All you have to do is ask politely, and people…

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Pence to talk with Rep. Marsha Blackburn through hole in sheet

in Politics
VP Mike Pence (left), Rep. Marsha Blackburn (right)

Vice President Mike Pence made a vow to only talk with Republican Senate candidate Marsha Blackburn through a hole in a sheet today at a fundraiser in Chattanooga. Pence told The Hill in 2002 that he never dines alone with a woman who isn’t his wife and that he won’t…

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Developers urge city to address vacation-homeless issue

in Business/Politics
Vacation house

Local housing developers have urged the city government to address the vacation-homeless issue that has plagued Chattanooga – that is, the issue of homeowners who only have a primary residence and do not own a vacation home. “Can you believe that the majority of Chattanooga homeowners only have one house…

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Chattanooga Police app includes “Hot Cop” slideshow feature

in Politics
Chattanooga Police Department mobile app

The Chattanooga Police Department (CPD) unveiled its new mobile app this afternoon on Facebook Live and demonstrated several of its features, including the ability to submit anonymous tips, use crime maps and view a “Hot Cop” slideshow of alluring local officers. “You have the right to remain sexy,” said Chattanooga…

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Hipster lanes to be added to MLK Boulevard

in Culture/Politics
Hipster

The Chattanooga Department of Transportation announced today that eastbound and westbound hipster lanes would be added to a section of East M.L. King Boulevard as part of its repaving project. “It’s no secret that hipsters have overrun Chattanooga,” said Kelly Dowdeshell, the Chattanooga Department of Transportation’s administrator. “Adding hipster lanes…

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Mayor Berke changes name to “Andy Bitcoin”

in Business/Politics
Andy Berke

At a press conference yesterday, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke announced that he had changed his name to “Andy Bitcoin.” “Boom!” said Berke, who arrived at the press conference riding a hoverboard and wearing futuristic wrap-around sunglasses and a shiny suit made of Mylar-like material. “Now that’s what I call the…

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Trump names The Brian Joyce as his favorite Twitter account

in Politics

After viewing a series of shitty posts towards peers by a local Chattanooga radio personality, President Donald Trump announced he has named The Brian Joyce his favorite twitter account. Experts believe Joyce might secretly be someone’s creepy uncle, complete with skewed political views, but way into Starbucks and massive amounts…

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Station Street renamed Vomit Alley after open-container ordinance passes

in Food/Drink/Politics
Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7nBCXD

After the Chattanooga City Council passed an ordinance yesterday allowing people of legal drinking age to carry open containers on Station Street next to the Choo-Choo, another measure was approved to change the name of the street to “Vomit Alley.” “We just wanted to be honest with what we’re getting…

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Roy Exum defends Roy Moore as member of “Brotherhood of Roys”

in Politics
Roy Moore / Brotherhood of Roys symbol

Chattanoogan.com commentator Roy Exum defended Roy Moore, the Alabama Republican nominee for the U.S. Senate, amid accusations that Moore initiated sexual contact with a 14-year-old girl in 1979, citing solidarity as a member of a centuries-old secret society called “The Brotherhood of Roys.” This comes in the wake of a…

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