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Chattanooga Police app includes “Hot Cop” slideshow feature

in Politics
Chattanooga Police Department mobile app

The Chattanooga Police Department (CPD) unveiled its new mobile app this afternoon on Facebook Live and demonstrated several of its features, including the ability to submit anonymous tips, use crime maps and view a “Hot Cop” slideshow of alluring local officers. “You have the right to remain sexy,” said Chattanooga…

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Hipster lanes to be added to MLK Boulevard

in Culture/Politics
Hipster

The Chattanooga Department of Transportation announced today that eastbound and westbound hipster lanes would be added to a section of East M.L. King Boulevard as part of its repaving project. “It’s no secret that hipsters have overrun Chattanooga,” said Kelly Dowdeshell, the Chattanooga Department of Transportation’s administrator. “Adding hipster lanes…

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Mayor Berke changes name to “Andy Bitcoin”

in Business/Politics
Andy Berke

At a press conference yesterday, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke announced that he had changed his name to “Andy Bitcoin.” “Boom!” said Berke, who arrived at the press conference riding a hoverboard and wearing futuristic wrap-around sunglasses and a shiny suit made of Mylar-like material. “Now that’s what I call the…

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Trump names The Brian Joyce as his favorite Twitter account

in Politics

After viewing a series of shitty posts towards peers by a local Chattanooga radio personality, President Donald Trump announced he has named The Brian Joyce his favorite twitter account. Experts believe Joyce might secretly be someone’s creepy uncle, complete with skewed political views, but way into Starbucks and massive amounts…

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Station Street renamed Vomit Alley after open-container ordinance passes

in Food/Drink/Politics
Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7nBCXD

After the Chattanooga City Council passed an ordinance yesterday allowing people of legal drinking age to carry open containers on Station Street next to the Choo-Choo, another measure was approved to change the name of the street to “Vomit Alley.” “We just wanted to be honest with what we’re getting…

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Roy Exum defends Roy Moore as member of “Brotherhood of Roys”

in Politics
Roy Moore / Brotherhood of Roys symbol

Chattanoogan.com commentator Roy Exum defended Roy Moore, the Alabama Republican nominee for the U.S. Senate, amid accusations that Moore initiated sexual contact with a 14-year-old girl in 1979, citing solidarity as a member of a centuries-old secret society called “The Brotherhood of Roys.” This comes in the wake of a…

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BREAKING: Poo poo face Trump bans doody head Corker from White House adult day care center

in Politics

After an exchange of strongly worded tweets between President Trump and Congressman Bob Corker, Trump announced he had banned Corker from attending the White House adult day care, just before residents were about to be given their daily treat of Activia yogurt snacks. “SAD that Corker has to be such…

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Confederate statue to wear silly hat as compromise

in Politics
Statue of Gen. A.P. Stewart with silly hat

Ending a series of heated arguments regarding calls to remove the statue of Confederate Army Lt. Gen. A.P. Stewart from the front of the Hamilton County Courthouse, a compromise was reached between opposing sides, where the statue is allowed to stay but must wear a silly hat. “A government building…

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Andy Berke becomes U.S. Secretary of the Treasury after judo chopping Steven Mnuchin behind a dumpster

in Politics

After luring United States Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin behind a Washington DC dumpster and performing a judo chop to knock him out, look-a-like and Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke has assumed Mnuchin’s position. Experts believe the string of events started after Andy Berke’s wife Monique Berke posted an Instagram…

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