Politics - Page 2

Trump rally extended for one hour while he tries to pronounce Thongnopnua

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A representative from the Trump caravan announced tonight’s rally will be extended one hour after the president saw a “Joda Thongnopnua for House District 30” sign during his flight to the area. As with words like “anonymous,” the president will need more time to try and pronounce the district 30 candidate’s name. “Is it thongnooga, tongchuga, tubthumping,

Trump to kick off “Shutdown Week” with bankruptcy seminar

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The White House announced that President Trump will kick off “Shutdown Week” with a bankruptcy seminar, as part of his Sunday visit to Chattanooga. Trump has received criticism for having gone through four bankruptcies involving various hotels, casinos and resorts, and although claimed to be a self-made billionaire, Trump received hundreds of millions of dollars

Project to turn Highway 27 into parking lot almost complete

After years of construction work and millions of dollars, officials announced that the project to turn the downtown Chattanooga section of U.S. Route 27 into a parking lot is almost complete. “Many people have complained about the lack of parking downtown, so this is a win-win situation,” said Kelly Sothton, a representative for the project.

New Miller Park praised for pavement, lack of shade

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Chattanooga residents raved with delight about the newly redesigned Miller Park, which officially opened today, citing features including its white-brick pavement and lack of shade from the sun. “There isn’t as much tree coverage as before, but you know what? Screw trees,” said resident Kelly Altmink. “And people who want to sit in the shade

Blackburn, Bredesen agree to debate about soccer team names

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After plans had fizzled out regarding a possible October 1 debate in Chattanooga, U.S. Senate race candidates Marsha Blackburn and Phil Bredesen finally agreed to an impromptu Chattanooga debate yesterday as long as the topic was limited to selecting a name for the new Chattanooga Pro Soccer team. “Dear God, can we all agree that

Rep. Diane Black blames porn for defeat

After underdog and outsider Bill Lee won the Republican gubernatorial primary election yesterday, in a highly competitive race with several contenders, Representative Diane Black blamed her loss on pornography. Black had attracted criticism in May after remarking that pornography was a root cause of school shootings. In a stunning upset, Black came in third in

Unopposed loses big once again in area elections

As polls closed this evening for elections around the Tennessee Valley, supporters of candidate Unopposed were once again left with their hearts broken. Supporters of Unopposed are blaming the mainstream media for not giving candidate Unopposed equal speaking time. “It’s freaking bullshit that the powers that be don’t allow Unopposed to participate in any of them talkin’

Southside violence problem solved by new signs

In a stunning development, it was revealed that a few new signs posted at the parking lot near the Southside nightclub Coyote Jacks completely solved the area’s ongoing late-night violence problem. “There. All better,” said a representative from the community. “All you have to do is ask politely, and people will behave.” One sign reads

Developers urge city to address vacation-homeless issue

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Local housing developers have urged the city government to address the vacation-homeless issue that has plagued Chattanooga – that is, the issue of homeowners who only have a primary residence and do not own a vacation home. “Can you believe that the majority of Chattanooga homeowners only have one house and no vacation home?” said