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Politics

UTC buys Chattanooga Bystander for the fourth anniversary and immediately fires staff

in Business/Education/Politics

For the fourth anniversary of Chattanooga Bystander, the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga announced it has bought the publication to add to its collection of hard-hitting journalism it can tamper with. Little did they know, Bystander writers Dirk Savage and Francis Porkloin would soon be jobless. Chattanooga Bystander, which was…

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Trump arrives in Chattanooga for Southside Social’s new dress code unveiling

in Business/Politics

After months of these darn kids causing a ruckus, Chattanooga’s Southside Social announced a new dress code that will be unveiled by none other than President Donald J Trump. The arrival comes after a representative from the establishment vowed to “Make Southside Social Great Again!”. Experts believe some new requirements…

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Andy Berke releases Larry Grohn’s grandson’s Algebra homework

in Politics

After a week of grueling debates between candidates for the 2017 Chattanooga Mayorship, Andy Berke has announced he has uncovered opponent Councilman Larry Grohn’s grandson’s Algebra homework. The revelation comes just days after Grohn released some bullshit he thought was worthwhile against Berke. Experts believe Councilman Larry Grohn secretly helped his grandson…

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Eddie Pontiac turns down inauguration musical invite

in Business/Politics

Local musician and Mexican restaurant staple Eddie Pontiac announced he had declined an invitation to play at Friday’s inauguration for President Elect Donald Trump. Pontiac, who many call the man with the golden voice, has entertained Mexican restaurant patrons for over 20 years. Experts believe Pontiac opted to decline the invitation to perform due to…

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Trump cites Harrison Keely morning videos as only credible news source

in Politics

After weeks of railing against so-called “fake news” sources, President-elect Donald Trump announced he only trusts from morning anchor Harrison Keely. The announcement comes as a surprise as Keely has apparently not reported morning news in many months. Trump shocked the nation when he called CNN a fake news organization…

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