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Trump rally extended for one hour while he tries to pronounce Thongnopnua

in Politics/Trumpanooga '18

A representative from the Trump caravan announced tonight’s rally will be extended one hour after the president saw a “Joda Thongnopnua for House District 30” sign during his flight to the area. As with words like “anonymous,” the president will need more time to try and pronounce the district 30 candidate’s name.…

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Trump to kick off “Shutdown Week” with bankruptcy seminar

in Business/Politics/Trumpanooga '18
Shutdown Week Chattanooga

The White House announced that President Trump will kick off “Shutdown Week” with a bankruptcy seminar, as part of his Sunday visit to Chattanooga. Trump has received criticism for having gone through four bankruptcies involving various hotels, casinos and resorts, and although claimed to be a self-made billionaire, Trump received…

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Project to turn Highway 27 into parking lot almost complete

in Politics
U.S. Route 27

After years of construction work and millions of dollars, officials announced that the project to turn the downtown Chattanooga section of U.S. Route 27 into a parking lot is almost complete. “Many people have complained about the lack of parking downtown, so this is a win-win situation,” said Kelly Sothton,…

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New Miller Park praised for pavement, lack of shade

in Culture/Politics/Sports/Rec
New Miller Park

Chattanooga residents raved with delight about the newly redesigned Miller Park, which officially opened today, citing features including its white-brick pavement and lack of shade from the sun. “There isn’t as much tree coverage as before, but you know what? Screw trees,” said resident Kelly Altmink. “And people who want…

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Blackburn, Bredesen agree to debate about soccer team names

in Politics/Sports/Rec
Phil Bredesen (l), Marsha Blackburn (r)

After plans had fizzled out regarding a possible October 1 debate in Chattanooga, U.S. Senate race candidates Marsha Blackburn and Phil Bredesen finally agreed to an impromptu Chattanooga debate yesterday as long as the topic was limited to selecting a name for the new Chattanooga Pro Soccer team. “Dear God,…

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Rep. Diane Black blames porn for defeat

in Politics
Representative Diane Black (R-Tenn.)

After underdog and outsider Bill Lee won the Republican gubernatorial primary election yesterday, in a highly competitive race with several contenders, Representative Diane Black blamed her loss on pornography. Black had attracted criticism in May after remarking that pornography was a root cause of school shootings. In a stunning upset,…

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Unopposed loses big once again in area elections

in Politics

As polls closed this evening for elections around the Tennessee Valley, supporters of candidate Unopposed were once again left with their hearts broken. Supporters of Unopposed are blaming the mainstream media for not giving candidate Unopposed equal speaking time. “It’s freaking bullshit that the powers that be don’t allow Unopposed to participate…

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Southside violence problem solved by new signs

in Politics
Southside sign #1

In a stunning development, it was revealed that a few new signs posted at the parking lot near the Southside nightclub Coyote Jacks completely solved the area’s ongoing late-night violence problem. “There. All better,” said a representative from the community. “All you have to do is ask politely, and people…

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Pence to talk with Rep. Marsha Blackburn through hole in sheet

in Politics
VP Mike Pence (left), Rep. Marsha Blackburn (right)

Vice President Mike Pence made a vow to only talk with Republican Senate candidate Marsha Blackburn through a hole in a sheet today at a fundraiser in Chattanooga. Pence told The Hill in 2002 that he never dines alone with a woman who isn’t his wife and that he won’t…

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Developers urge city to address vacation-homeless issue

in Business/Politics
Vacation house

Local housing developers have urged the city government to address the vacation-homeless issue that has plagued Chattanooga – that is, the issue of homeowners who only have a primary residence and do not own a vacation home. “Can you believe that the majority of Chattanooga homeowners only have one house…

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