Forecasters are predicting Monday’s weather in Chattanooga to include sunny, 70-degree weather, then a snowstorm, then flash flooding, then a torrent of blood rain, then plagues of locusts, frogs and chicken parts. “Don’t stow away your galoshes just yet! It’s been a wild week, and it’s just going to get wilder,” said local weather forecaster
After performing last year at Chattanooga’s Tivoli Theatre, street magician and death-defying endurance artist David Blaine said that he would be making a surprise return to Chattanooga this weekend to perform one of the riskiest stunts of his career: to drink an entire glass of tap water that has not been boiled, despite Tennessee American
In response to a water outage caused by a 36-inch water main break, Chattanooga residents are urged to conserve water while service is being restored, except for hospitals and bikini car washes. “Please, let’s all try to be responsible citizens during this challenging time, and only use water for the most important reasons, like when
Wait, did that asshole in a pickup with truck nuts on I-24 just cut you off? Don’t be a pussy – it’s time to rumble! But even when engaging in bare-knuckle melee by the side of a busy highway, you should heed these safety tips from the Tennessee Department of Transportation: * Before you pull
Alabama state legislators passed a controversial bill today declaring that human life begins when a stork kisses a bee in a cabbage patch. “According to our best male scientists, who have a deep understanding of the human reproductive system, a baby is created when a man and a woman love each other very much, and
Hamilton County Schools were closed today due to illness, and an outbreak of cooties was to blame, despite the wide availability of a vaccine. “It may look like innocent hand-holding, but let me tell you, boys and girls, spreading cooties is no laughing matter,” said school nurse Pat Grundersen. “And if you’re not vaccinated, don’t
With armadillo sightings on the rise in southeast Tennessee, due to the nocturnal mammals’ attraction to warm climates, yoga enthusiasts have found a way to incorporate the animals into their sessions. This follows a national trend, which has been embraced by Chattanoogans, to involve various animals in yoga classes, including horses, goats, kittens and puppies.
In an effort to score some great earthling medications, resident Hell spokesman Satan opened up a sinkhole right next to the Broad Street Walgreens with a path directly to his lair. Sources a new loophole in the system has caused freshly deceased hell bound souls to leave any sort of prescription medications on earth while
The Tennessee Wildlife Department warned today at a press conference that coyote sightings have been on the rise around Chattanooga and that coyotes are a bunch of bloodthirsty motherfuckers. “These assholes won’t think twice about ripping apart your precious little chihuahua or fluffy kitty cat,” said Rita Viscobb, a representative from the Tennessee Wildlife Department.
In a decision many saw as somewhat heartbreaking, former Chattanooga news personality Harrison Keely once again failed to be named sexiest male alive. Formerly the online news producer for the Chattanooga Times Free Press, Keely moved to Las Vegas where he believed chances of becoming the sexiest man alive would be much higher. “What you need