Health

David Blaine to return to Chattanooga to drink glass of unboiled tap water

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After performing last year at Chattanooga’s Tivoli Theatre, street magician and death-defying endurance artist David Blaine said that he would be making a surprise return to Chattanooga this weekend to perform one of the riskiest stunts of his career: to drink an entire glass of tap water that has not been boiled, despite Tennessee American

Residents urged to conserve water except hospitals, bikini car washes

In response to a water outage caused by a 36-inch water main break, Chattanooga residents are urged to conserve water while service is being restored, except for hospitals and bikini car washes. “Please, let’s all try to be responsible citizens during this challenging time, and only use water for the most important reasons, like when

Ala. lawmakers declare life begins when stork kisses bee in cabbage patch

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Alabama state legislators passed a controversial bill today declaring that human life begins when a stork kisses a bee in a cabbage patch. “According to our best male scientists, who have a deep understanding of the human reproductive system, a baby is created when a man and a woman love each other very much, and

School closings blamed on children not vaccinated for cooties

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Hamilton County Schools were closed today due to illness, and an outbreak of cooties was to blame, despite the wide availability of a vaccine. “It may look like innocent hand-holding, but let me tell you, boys and girls, spreading cooties is no laughing matter,” said school nurse Pat Grundersen. “And if you’re not vaccinated, don’t

Encroaching armadillos inspire yoga trend

With armadillo sightings on the rise in southeast Tennessee, due to the nocturnal mammals’ attraction to warm climates, yoga enthusiasts have found a way to incorporate the animals into their sessions. This follows a national trend, which has been embraced by Chattanoogans, to involve various animals in yoga classes, including horses, goats, kittens and puppies.

Satan opens up portal next to Broad Street Walgreens in hopes to score some good drugs

In an effort to score some great earthling medications, resident Hell spokesman Satan opened up a sinkhole right next to the Broad Street Walgreens with a path directly to his lair.  Sources a new loophole in the system has caused freshly deceased hell bound souls to leave any sort of prescription medications on earth while

“Coyotes are motherfuckers” warns Tenn. Wildlife Dept.

The Tennessee Wildlife Department warned today at a press conference that coyote sightings have been on the rise around Chattanooga and that coyotes are a bunch of bloodthirsty motherfuckers. “These assholes won’t think twice about ripping apart your precious little chihuahua or fluffy kitty cat,” said Rita Viscobb, a representative from the Tennessee Wildlife Department.

Harrison Keely not selected as sexiest male alive once again

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In a decision many saw as somewhat heartbreaking, former Chattanooga news personality Harrison Keely once again failed to be named sexiest male alive.  Formerly the online news producer for the Chattanooga Times Free Press, Keely moved to Las Vegas where he believed chances of becoming the sexiest man alive would be much higher.  “What you need

TEMA bans Wind and Fire from upcoming Earth, Wind & Fire concert

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The Tennessee Emergency Management Agency (TEMA) announced that it has banned Wind and Fire from the upcoming Earth, Wind & Fire concert scheduled for March 15, 2017 at Chattanooga’s Memorial Auditorium. “We can’t take any chances,” said TEMA representative Kelly Conpuro. “Wind and fire is a deadly combination, as we have seen with the Gatlinburg

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