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Riverbend attendees urged to pretend they’re at Bonnaroo, not shower to conserve water

in Culture/Riverbend
Bonnaroo (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

After Tennessee American Water asked customers east of Missionary Ridge to curb water usage, due to major repair work on a broken valve, Riverbend attendees were urged to pretend they’re at Bonnaroo by not showering. “Some consider Riverbend to be the cheaper, county-fair-style alternative to the more renowned Bonnaroo,” said…

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Bessie Smith descendants recall her favorite hipster craft beer bars during Strut

in Culture/Riverbend

While hundreds crowd Martin Luther King Jr Boulevard for Riverbend’s Bessie Smith Strut, descendants of the late Chattanooga singer reflect of her favorite hipster craft beer spots. Reporters caught up with Smith’s descendants as they enjoyed the Strut’s fried chicken offerings while surrounded by a group of drunk caucasians. “When…

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Singing man shocks Riverbend Festival attendees with profanity-ridden performance (NOT REAL)

in Culture/Riverbend

During his Saturday night performance at the 2017 Riverbend Festival, former Eagles member song singing man sent attendances home shocked and upset with his profanity-laced lyrics. All of this happened just an hour before the 9:30 headliner Ludacris took the stage with his family friendly show. The night began to…

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Riverbend headliner Toby Keith investigated for sharing secret guitar riffs with Saudis

in Culture/Politics/Riverbend
Toby Keith and Rabeh Saqer in concert on May 20, 2017

Three weeks after country music star and Riverbend headliner Toby Keith performed in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia to an all-male audience, taking place during President Trump’s first overseas trip, it was reported that Keith was being investigated for sharing secret guitar riffs with the Saudi government. “We need to get to…

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Paul Barys spotted in undisclosed bar doing shots in preparation for tonight’s storm

in Business/Culture

In preparation for the severe storms heading into the area, local weatherman Paul Barys has been spotted downing shots of bourbon and other alcoholic beverages for the long night ahead. “Let’s forecast┬áthis shit, Barys┬ábeard style,” exclaimed Meteorologist┬áPaul Barys, while vomiting into a WRCB hat.    

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Larry Grohn to play Wolverine in next X-Men movie

in Culture/Politics
Larry Grohn as Wolverine

After actor Hugh Jackman announced his intention last year to step down from portraying the comic-book character Wolverine, Marvel Entertainment announced that it has hired Chattanooga mayoral candidate and District 4 Councilman Larry Grohn to be the new Wolverine. “I am super pumped to portray this hairy mutant,” said Grohn.…

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TEMA bans Wind and Fire from upcoming Earth, Wind & Fire concert

in Culture/Health
Earth, Wind & Fire

The Tennessee Emergency Management Agency (TEMA) announced that it has banned Wind and Fire from the upcoming Earth, Wind & Fire concert scheduled for March 15, 2017 at Chattanooga’s Memorial Auditorium. “We can’t take any chances,” said TEMA representative Kelly Conpuro. “Wind and fire is a deadly combination, as we…

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Berke wears mesh shirt at Pride Parade to show transparency

in Culture/Politics/Shitstorm 2016
Mesh shirt

Mayor Andy Berke strutted down Riverside Drive wearing a white mesh shirt at yesterday’s Chattanooga Pride Parade in order to demonstrate a commitment to transparency, after criticism about previously using an encrypted smartphone messaging app to communicate with his staff. “I’ve got nothing to hide,” said Berke, as he lifted…

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