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Local beard oil supplies dangerously low before Moon River Festival

in Culture
Bearded man who probably likes Americana music

Authorities have cautioned the public to remain calm after it was revealed that local reserves of beard oil have become dangerously low, in advance of the Americana/roots music Moon River Festival this weekend in Coolidge Park. “Be warned, we may have to start rationing or placing anti-price-gouging controls on our…

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EPB urges use of paper porn during Internet outage

in Business/Culture
Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/ZtS2J
Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/ZtS2J

Power company and Internet provider EPB asked its customers to use paper porn during a temporary Internet outage earlier today. “For many of you, we know, based on your Internet browsing history, that online porn is a part of your lives, morning, noon and night,” said EPB representative Kris Sobiscan.…

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Royal honeymoon mistakenly booked at King’s Lodge

in Business/Culture
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Inset: King's Lodge.

Amid speculation regarding where newlyweds Prince Harry and Meghan Markle would spend their honeymoon, it was revealed that in a colossal error, their matrimonial vacation was booked at King’s Lodge in Chattanooga. According to a spokesperson, the hotel was booked after the royal family’s travel agent read a glowing article…

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David Blaine to hold breath for 18 minutes inside chicken processing plant

in Culture/Food/Drink
David Blaine

While in Chattanooga for his June 2 performance at the Tivoli Theatre, street magician and endurance artist David Blaine announced that he would break a world record by holding his breath for 18 minutes while locked inside the downtown chicken processing plant. Blaine has performed endurance stunts including being encased…

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Slaughterhouse weddings take barn-wedding trend to next level

in Culture/Food/Drink
Slaughterhouse (Used under the CC BY-SA 2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/r19Dh1)

Over the last ten years, there’s been a growing trend to hold weddings in barns with rustic, farm-related decor, and now, local trend-setters have taken the idea to the next level by having weddings in slaughterhouses. “You can’t get more real than this,” said wedding planner Gracie Nimberlaut. “As real…

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Yodeling Kid, Sweet Potato Pie Guy to have sing-off at local Walmart

in Business/Culture
"Yodeling Kid" Mason Ramsey (left), "Patti Pie Guy" James Wright (right)

In what is being billed as “The Battle of the Singing Walmart Viral Video Stars,” the eleven-year-old “Yodeling Kid” Mason Ramsey and the “Patti Pie Guy” James Wright will have a sing-off Wednesday, May 9, at the Gunbarrel Road Walmart. Ramsey earned quick fame from a viral video of him…

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Hipster lanes to be added to MLK Boulevard

in Culture/Politics
Hipster

The Chattanooga Department of Transportation announced today that eastbound and westbound hipster lanes would be added to a section of East M.L. King Boulevard as part of its repaving project. “It’s no secret that hipsters have overrun Chattanooga,” said Kelly Dowdeshell, the Chattanooga Department of Transportation’s administrator. “Adding hipster lanes…

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Chattanooga man starting to believe Chattanooga Chuck full of shit

in Culture

After almost a week of 70 degree plus high temperatures, Chattanooga resident Sylvester Kimble announced he is starting to distrust Groundhog Chattanooga Chucks forecasting abilities. The announcement comes just weeks after Chattanooga Chuck saw his shadow and predicted six more weeks of winter. Experts believe Mr. Kimble may have missed…

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