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Riverbend attendees urged to pretend they’re at Bonnaroo, not shower to conserve water

in Culture/Riverbend

After Tennessee American Water asked customers east of Missionary Ridge to curb water usage, due to major repair work on a broken valve, Riverbend attendees were urged to pretend they’re at Bonnaroo by not showering. “Some consider Riverbend to be the cheaper, county-fair-style alternative to the more renowned Bonnaroo,” said…

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Bessie Smith descendants recall her favorite hipster craft beer bars during Strut

in Culture/Riverbend

While hundreds crowd Martin Luther King Jr Boulevard for Riverbend’s Bessie Smith Strut, descendants of the late Chattanooga singer reflect of her favorite hipster craft beer spots. Reporters caught up with Smith’s descendants as they enjoyed the Strut’s fried chicken offerings while surrounded by a group of drunk caucasians. “When…

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Singing man shocks Riverbend Festival attendees with profanity-ridden performance (NOT REAL)

in Culture/Riverbend

During his Saturday night performance at the 2017 Riverbend Festival, former Eagles member song singing man sent attendances home shocked and upset with his profanity-laced lyrics. All of this happened just an hour before the 9:30 headliner Ludacris took the stage with his family friendly show. The night began to…

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Riverbend headliner Toby Keith investigated for sharing secret guitar riffs with Saudis

in Culture/Politics

Three weeks after country music star and Riverbend headliner Toby Keith performed in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia to an all-male audience, taking place during President Trump’s first overseas trip, it was reported that Keith was being investigated for sharing secret guitar riffs with the Saudi government. “We need to get to…

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Paul Barys spotted in undisclosed bar doing shots in preparation for tonight’s storm

in Business/Culture

In preparation for the severe storms heading into the area, local weatherman Paul Barys has been spotted downing shots of bourbon and other alcoholic beverages for the long night ahead. “Let’s forecast┬áthis shit, Barys┬ábeard style,” exclaimed Meteorologist┬áPaul Barys, while vomiting into a WRCB hat.    

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Berke wears mesh shirt at Pride Parade to show transparency

in Culture/Politics/Shitstorm 2016

Mayor Andy Berke strutted down Riverside Drive wearing a white mesh shirt at yesterday’s Chattanooga Pride Parade in order to demonstrate a commitment to transparency, after criticism about previously using an encrypted smartphone messaging app to communicate with his staff. “I’ve got nothing to hide,” said Berke, as he lifted…

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