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Mayor Berke changes name to “Andy Bitcoin”

in Business/Politics
Andy Berke

At a press conference yesterday, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke announced that he had changed his name to “Andy Bitcoin.” “Boom!” said Berke, who arrived at the press conference riding a hoverboard and wearing futuristic wrap-around sunglasses and a shiny suit made of Mylar-like material. “Now that’s what I call the…

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New Chattanooga Realtor mistakenly takes promotional picture in front of Olgiati Bridge

in Business

After being drawn to Chattanooga by excessive internet speeds and overpriced gentrified real estate, newly licensed real estate agent, Chad Mullmens released his first promotional photo in front of the Olgiati Bridge. Such a choice for photo location has been called questionable by other seasoned Chattanooga realtors. “I heard that…

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Local women transformed into fashion experts after visiting new H&M

in Business
H&M store

Thousands of Chattanooga women were instantly transformed into fashion experts after simply visiting the newly opened H&M clothing store at the Hamilton Place Mall. “I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it,” said resident Gladys Farngully. “They walked in as frumpy housewives. They walked out as chic, metropolitan…

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Republic Parking now accepts severed arms, legs as payment

in Business
Parking lot (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/4sG5xG)

After Republic Parking received criticism for sharply increasing its parking fee in downtown Chattanooga temporarily to $20 during the recent Ironman competition, it announced that it would now accept severed arms and legs from those unable to come up with the necessary cash. “We overheard people saying that it cost…

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John Wise begins 900 room apartment construction on site of recently denounced Confederate cemetery

in Business

After Mayor Berke announced the city of Chattanooga would renounce the Confederate Cemetery on East Third Street, Developer John Wise announced he has already begun erecting a 900 room apartment complex. The construction began just days after many cities throughout the United States began removing Confederate monuments from public spaces.…

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Downtown digital billboard to air only Times Free Press digital reports

in Business

To appease the massive amount of fans for the new giant digital billboard downtown and the Chattanooga Times Free Press’ digital reporting videos, a representative from Fairway Outdoor Advertising announced plans to merge the two local favorites into one. Soon, commuters traveling on Market Street will be able to stay…

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