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City eliminates all crime by closing one convenience store

in Business/Politics

In one astounding move, the City of Chattanooga eliminated all crime, including gang activity and drug deals, by closing down a single convenience store: the Westside Shop. “Why didn’t we think of this earlier?” said a representative from the Hamilton County District Attorney’s office. “Who would’ve thought it would be…

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Chief Fred Fletcher announces plans to sell dietary supplements after retirement

in Business/Politics

Some weeks after Chattanooga Police Chief Fred Fletcher announced retirement after his contract ends this summer, Fletcher revealed plans to supplement his income by offering a broad range of dietary and energy supplements. Fletcher, who has been Chattanooga Police chief since 2014, has always dreamed of being his own boss…

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UTC buys Chattanooga Bystander for the fourth anniversary and immediately fires staff

in Business/Education/Politics

For the fourth anniversary of Chattanooga Bystander, the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga announced it has bought the publication to add to its collection of hard-hitting journalism it can tamper with. Little did they know, Bystander writers Dirk Savage and Francis Porkloin would soon be jobless. Chattanooga Bystander, which was…

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Paul Barys spotted in undisclosed bar doing shots in preparation for tonight’s storm

in Business/Culture

In preparation for the severe storms heading into the area, local weatherman Paul Barys has been spotted downing shots of bourbon and other alcoholic beverages for the long night ahead. “Let’s forecast this shit, Barys beard style,” exclaimed Meteorologist Paul Barys, while vomiting into a WRCB hat.    

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Trump arrives in Chattanooga for Southside Social’s new dress code unveiling

in Business/Politics

After months of these darn kids causing a ruckus, Chattanooga’s Southside Social announced a new dress code that will be unveiled by none other than President Donald J Trump. The arrival comes after a representative from the establishment vowed to “Make Southside Social Great Again!”. Experts believe some new requirements…

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Eddie Pontiac turns down inauguration musical invite

in Business/Politics

Local musician and Mexican restaurant staple Eddie Pontiac announced he had declined an invitation to play at Friday’s inauguration for President Elect Donald Trump. Pontiac, who many call the man with the golden voice, has entertained Mexican restaurant patrons for over 20 years. Experts believe Pontiac opted to decline the invitation to perform due to…

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