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Francis Porkloin

Francis Porkloin has 270 articles published.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

Coyote Jacks releases new playlist of farm-themed songs after urban music ban

in Business/Culture

After a recent announcement from the nightclub Coyote Jacks about renovations and a ban on “all forms of urban music,” which some perceived as being racist, a new playlist was released for the club featuring only farm-themed songs. “You’d be surprised about the rich assortment of songs out there about…

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School closings blamed on children not vaccinated for cooties

in Education/Health

Hamilton County Schools were closed today due to illness, and an outbreak of cooties was to blame, despite the wide availability of a vaccine. “It may look like innocent hand-holding, but let me tell you, boys and girls, spreading cooties is no laughing matter,” said school nurse Pat Grundersen. “And…

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Police recommend putting nacho cheese in pockets to thwart pickpockets

in Food/Drink/Politics

After video footage was released of a pickpocket stealing a woman’s phone at a convenience store, Chattanooga Police recommended that people put nacho cheese in their pockets to discourage theft. “Don’t be a victim, especially to some douchebag thief who dresses like Silent Bob’s friend Jay,” said officer Terry Maptrost.…

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Fleischmann changes stance on border wall after listening to Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”

in Culture/Politics

Congressman Chuck Fleischmann withdrew his support for the proposed Mexican border wall after listening to the concept album “The Wall” created by the British rock band Pink Floyd. The change occurred while Rep. Fleischmann and Tennessee Governor Bill Lee were roadtripping from Washington, D.C. back to Tennessee, after Lee was…

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Acts to perform songs twice as fast at shorter 4-day Riverbend

in Culture/Riverbend

It was announced at a press conference today that Chattanooga’s annual Riverbend Festival would be shortened from nine days to four days, and to fit the same amount of material in a shorter time, music acts would be required to perform their songs twice as fast. “Half as long, twice…

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City bans IPAs to address racial displacement issue

in Food/Drink/Politics

After Chattanooga Organized for Action (COA) released a report about racial displacement in and around the downtown area, the city passed an ordinance to temporarily ban craft beers of the India Pale Ale (IPA) variety. In the last year alone, local craft breweries introduced over 300 new IPA varieties, and…

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West Village sculptures revealed to be cruel Banksy prank

in Culture
Outdoor sculpture in Chattanooga's West Village

After much speculation, it was revealed today that the atrocious sculptures located on the sidewalks of Chattanooga’s West Village were a cruel prank by Banksy, the anonymous British street artist. “Why must you punish us with this terrible, terrible art?” said resident Cris Tillzay while shaking a fist at a…

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Public Library down to 30 books after watching “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo”

in Education
Five of the remaining 30 books at the Chattanooga Public Library

After the staff of the Chattanooga Public Library watched the new Netflix series “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo” about decluttering, a decision was swiftly made to reduce the library’s collection down to a mere 30 books. “You won’t believe how liberating this feels,” said library director Ashley Collfrab. “We held…

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Giant Tivoli screen to display Mayor Berke’s teeth 24/7

in Culture
Mayor Berke's teeth on the Tivoli Theater screen

The Tivoli Theater Foundation announced that the new, giant 50-foot drop-down screen and state-of-the-art 4K digital projector installed in the Tivoli Theater would display Mayor Berke’s teeth 24 hours a day, seven days a week, except during scheduled events. “We have the technology, so let’s use it as much as…

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Warm weather encourages kids to play Fortnite outside

in Sports/Rec

On the last weekend before the end of winter break, Chattanooga children were encouraged by the unusually warm, 65-degree weather to go outside and play the video game Fortnite. “Things were much different, back when I was a kid,” said Chattanooga resident Charlie Randiston, a father of two. “After school,…

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