Francis Porkloin

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

Everyday heroes: adult bookstore donates 1,000 gimp masks to local hospitals

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A Chattanooga adult bookstore has responded to the issue of limited supplies of face masks for medical personnel and caretakers, in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic, by donating 1,000 gimp masks to hospitals. “It warms my heart to see such an outpouring of kindness and generosity during this challenging time,” said local bondage enthusiast

Experts warn: cheaper-than-milk gas is no substitute for milk

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With the price of gasoline dropping well below $2 a gallon in Chattanooga, making it less expensive than milk, experts are reminding residents that gas is not an acceptable substitute for milk. Facing the COVID-19 pandemic, residents are seeing local grocery stores sell out of staples and necessities like milk, bread, and toilet paper, sometimes

10-person gathering limit devastates local orgy community

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Shockwaves were felt throughout Chattanooga’s orgy community after Tennessee Governor Bill Lee signed Executive Order 17, which prohibits social gatherings of more than 10 people. “How am I supposed to get off by having sex with less than 10 people?” said local swinger and orgy enthusiast Kelly Tristhem. “All I’m asking for, and this isn’t

Police data storage failure results in loss of dashcam footage, funny cat videos

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The Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office experienced “catastrophic data loss” on its 13-year-old data storage servers, resulting in the loss of over a year’s worth of dashboard camera footage for 130 patrol deputies and the department’s massive stash of funny cat videos. “I can’t believe it,” said the office’s information technology administrator, Ashley Zernot. “Our collection

Bloomberg announces Monopoly Man as VP running mate

At a rally today at the Bessie Smith Cultural Center in Chattanooga, Democratic billionaire presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg announced that he has selected the Monopoly Man as his running mate. “This was a tough decision to make,” said Bloomberg, the former mayor of New York City who is the ninth richest person in the U.S.A.

Monday forecast: sunny 70 degrees, then snow, floods, blood rain, plagues of locusts, frogs, chicken parts

Forecasters are predicting Monday’s weather in Chattanooga to include sunny, 70-degree weather, then a snowstorm, then flash flooding, then a torrent of blood rain, then plagues of locusts, frogs and chicken parts. “Don’t stow away your galoshes just yet! It’s been a wild week, and it’s just going to get wilder,” said local weather forecaster

Repurposing Hershey’s syrup bottle as water bottle best thing a Republican has done in years

Using a repurposed Hershey’s chocolate syrup bottle as a water bottle by Tennessee State Representative Kent Calfee has been widely recognized as the best thing a Republican has done in years. “This is a grade A life-hack, my friends,” said local environmentalist Summer Starlight. “We should all be inspired to repurpose things that would otherwise

Women’s Rally seeks men to manage next year’s event after low turnout

After the Chattanooga Women’s Rally on Saturday experienced a low turnout of around 80 people, controversially changing its direction from a protest march to a non-activist event including a conservative speaker, organizers announced that it would be seeking men to manage next year’s event. “Sometimes you just need a big, strong, smart man to open

Heartwarming: Hwy 27 workers pass down skills to kids, grandkids so they can complete Hwy 27 project

Like a father teaching his son how to shave, construction workers on the delayed Highway 27 project have started teaching their children and grandchildren the skills they will need to complete the project. Although the work was scheduled to have a January 28, 2020 completion date, that deadline will not be met, and an extension

David Blaine to return to Chattanooga to drink glass of unboiled tap water

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After performing last year at Chattanooga’s Tivoli Theatre, street magician and death-defying endurance artist David Blaine said that he would be making a surprise return to Chattanooga this weekend to perform one of the riskiest stunts of his career: to drink an entire glass of tap water that has not been boiled, despite Tennessee American

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