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Francis Porkloin

Francis Porkloin has 274 articles published.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

Moxy, EPB to harness fucking as renewable energy source

in Business

Moxy Hotel and EPB unveiled today a plan to expand local renewable energy sources by harnessing the power of fucking at Moxy’s Chattanooga location. “It feels good to be environmentally conscious,” said Ashley Hawkittel, a representative for the partnership. “You know what else feels good? Fucking.” Hawkittel explained that all…

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Coyote Jacks releases new playlist of farm-themed songs after urban music ban

in Business/Culture

After a recent announcement from the nightclub Coyote Jacks about renovations and a ban on “all forms of urban music,” which some perceived as being racist, a new playlist was released for the club featuring only farm-themed songs. “You’d be surprised about the rich assortment of songs out there about…

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Police recommend putting nacho cheese in pockets to thwart pickpockets

in Food/Drink/Politics

After video footage was released of a pickpocket stealing a woman’s phone at a convenience store, Chattanooga Police recommended that people put nacho cheese in their pockets to discourage theft. “Don’t be a victim, especially to some douchebag thief who dresses like Silent Bob’s friend Jay,” said officer Terry Maptrost.…

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Fleischmann changes stance on border wall after listening to Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”

in Culture/Politics

Congressman Chuck Fleischmann withdrew his support for the proposed Mexican border wall after listening to the concept album “The Wall” created by the British rock band Pink Floyd. The change occurred while Rep. Fleischmann and Tennessee Governor Bill Lee were roadtripping from Washington, D.C. back to Tennessee, after Lee was…

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