Francis Porkloin

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

David Blaine to return to Chattanooga to drink glass of unboiled tap water

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After performing last year at Chattanooga’s Tivoli Theatre, street magician and death-defying endurance artist David Blaine said that he would be making a surprise return to Chattanooga this weekend to perform one of the riskiest stunts of his career: to drink an entire glass of tap water that has not been boiled, despite Tennessee American

Residents urged to conserve water except hospitals, bikini car washes

In response to a water outage caused by a 36-inch water main break, Chattanooga residents are urged to conserve water while service is being restored, except for hospitals and bikini car washes. “Please, let’s all try to be responsible citizens during this challenging time, and only use water for the most important reasons, like when

Ample supply of local craft beer to replace water

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After a water main break occurred Thursday evening, disrupting water supplies to areas including downtown and North Chattanooga, local breweries came to the rescue by replacing water with delicious craft beer. “As you know, there have been over 70 new breweries that have opened up in Chattanooga in the last five years,” said local brewer

Four new chicken plants to open downtown to meet chicken sandwich demand

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While rampant speculation remains about whether or not developer John Wise intends to facilitate the move of the Pilgrim’s Pride chicken plant from downtown to property he purchased in Dade County, Georgia, it was announced today that four new chicken plants would open in downtown Chattanooga to meet the high demand for chicken sandwiches. “People

All city areas to be renamed after New York City neighborhoods

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An agreement between the city of Chattanooga and local developers was made to gradually rename all parts of Chattanooga after New York City neighborhoods. “The ‘West Village’ of Chattanooga was our test run, and it has been a resounding success,” said local developer Trudy Bendberry. “When you stroll past the outdoor ‘ARTSY’ word sculpture, you

Festival rules say Riverbend wristbands must be worn until death

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Attendees of the newly revamped 4-day Riverbend Festival, which began today, were shocked to learn that their admission wristbands must be worn until they die. “I knew that you weren’t allowed to remove your wristband until the end of the festival,” said Riverbend attendee Butch Ausphot, while squinting at the wristband. “But by golly, there

Clippy makes surprise visit to Howard School

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The students and teachers of Howard School were surprised today by a visit from Clippy, the anthropomorphic paper clip from Microsoft Office software, on its annual Awards Day. “It looks like you’re graduating from Howard School!” said Clippy, who was floating in mid-air on a sheet of yellow notepad paper. “Would you like help writing

Ala. lawmakers declare life begins when stork kisses bee in cabbage patch

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Alabama state legislators passed a controversial bill today declaring that human life begins when a stork kisses a bee in a cabbage patch. “According to our best male scientists, who have a deep understanding of the human reproductive system, a baby is created when a man and a woman love each other very much, and

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