Author

Francis Porkloin

Francis Porkloin has 277 articles published.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

Samuel L. Jackson to star in “Snakes in a Toilet”

in Culture
Samuel L. Jackson photo modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/6CAFy8

After two separate reports of local residents finding snakes in their toilets, former Chattanooga resident Samuel L. Jackson announced that he would star in a new movie entitled “Snakes in a Toilet,” which would be a sequel of the 2006 film “Snakes on a Plane.” “I have had it with…

Keep Reading

Moxy, EPB to harness fucking as renewable energy source

in Business

Moxy Hotel and EPB unveiled today a plan to expand local renewable energy sources by harnessing the power of fucking at Moxy’s Chattanooga location. “It feels good to be environmentally conscious,” said Ashley Hawkittel, a representative for the partnership. “You know what else feels good? Fucking.” Hawkittel explained that all…

Keep Reading

Police recommend putting nacho cheese in pockets to thwart pickpockets

in Food/Drink/Politics

After video footage was released of a pickpocket stealing a woman’s phone at a convenience store, Chattanooga Police recommended that people put nacho cheese in their pockets to discourage theft. “Don’t be a victim, especially to some douchebag thief who dresses like Silent Bob’s friend Jay,” said officer Terry Maptrost.…

Keep Reading

1 2 3 28
Go to Top