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Francis Porkloin

Francis Porkloin has 264 articles published.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

West Village sculptures revealed to be cruel Banksy prank

in Culture
Outdoor sculpture in Chattanooga's West Village

After much speculation, it was revealed today that the atrocious sculptures located on the sidewalks of Chattanooga’s West Village were a cruel prank by Banksy, the anonymous British street artist. “Why must you punish us with this terrible, terrible art?” said resident Cris Tillzay while shaking a fist at a…

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Public Library down to 30 books after watching “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo”

in Education
Five of the remaining 30 books at the Chattanooga Public Library

After the staff of the Chattanooga Public Library watched the new Netflix series “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo” about decluttering, a decision was swiftly made to reduce the library’s collection down to a mere 30 books. “You won’t believe how liberating this feels,” said library director Ashley Collfrab. “We held…

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Giant Tivoli screen to display Mayor Berke’s teeth 24/7

in Culture
Mayor Berke's teeth on the Tivoli Theater screen

The Tivoli Theater Foundation announced that the new, giant 50-foot drop-down screen and state-of-the-art 4K digital projector installed in the Tivoli Theater would display Mayor Berke’s teeth 24 hours a day, seven days a week, except during scheduled events. “We have the technology, so let’s use it as much as…

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Warm weather encourages kids to play Fortnite outside

in Sports/Rec

On the last weekend before the end of winter break, Chattanooga children were encouraged by the unusually warm, 65-degree weather to go outside and play the video game Fortnite. “Things were much different, back when I was a kid,” said Chattanooga resident Charlie Randiston, a father of two. “After school,…

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Trump to kick off “Shutdown Week” with bankruptcy seminar

in Business/Politics/Trumpanooga '18
Shutdown Week Chattanooga

The White House announced that President Trump will kick off “Shutdown Week” with a bankruptcy seminar, as part of his Sunday visit to Chattanooga. Trump has received criticism for having gone through four bankruptcies involving various hotels, casinos and resorts, and although claimed to be a self-made billionaire, Trump received…

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Project to turn Highway 27 into parking lot almost complete

in Politics
U.S. Route 27

After years of construction work and millions of dollars, officials announced that the project to turn the downtown Chattanooga section of U.S. Route 27 into a parking lot is almost complete. “Many people have complained about the lack of parking downtown, so this is a win-win situation,” said Kelly Sothton,…

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Drive-By Truckers to open for Drive-By Truckers tribute band

in Culture
Drive-By Truckers (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/fQtPtp)

The popular, acclaimed Southern-rock band Drive-By Truckers announced that it would be the opening act for The Dirty South: A Tribute to Drive-By Truckers after discovering that both acts are playing tonight in Chattanooga. “Sometimes an imitation can be as good as or even better than the original. Think about…

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New Miller Park praised for pavement, lack of shade

in Culture/Politics/Sports/Rec
New Miller Park

Chattanooga residents raved with delight about the newly redesigned Miller Park, which officially opened today, citing features including its white-brick pavement and lack of shade from the sun. “There isn’t as much tree coverage as before, but you know what? Screw trees,” said resident Kelly Altmink. “And people who want…

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Blackburn, Bredesen agree to debate about soccer team names

in Politics/Sports/Rec
Phil Bredesen (l), Marsha Blackburn (r)

After plans had fizzled out regarding a possible October 1 debate in Chattanooga, U.S. Senate race candidates Marsha Blackburn and Phil Bredesen finally agreed to an impromptu Chattanooga debate yesterday as long as the topic was limited to selecting a name for the new Chattanooga Pro Soccer team. “Dear God,…

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