Dirk Savage

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Unopposed loses big once again in area elections

As polls closed this evening for elections around the Tennessee Valley, supporters of candidate Unopposed were once again left with their hearts broken. Supporters of Unopposed are blaming the mainstream media for not giving candidate Unopposed equal speaking time. “It’s freaking bullshit that the powers that be don’t allow Unopposed to participate in any of them talkin’

Satan opens up portal next to Broad Street Walgreens in hopes to score some good drugs

In an effort to score some great earthling medications, resident Hell spokesman Satan opened up a sinkhole right next to the Broad Street Walgreens with a path directly to his lair.  Sources a new loophole in the system has caused freshly deceased hell bound souls to leave any sort of prescription medications on earth while

Vodka mistakenly served instead of Holy Water during Riverbend’s Faith and Family night

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In what some are calling an error of biblical proportions, drink vendors during Riverbend’s Faith and Family night served festival-goers Vodka instead of the usual holy water on the sacred rocks. Experts on the matter believe there should be no cause for alarm as both liquids lead those who partake to Jesus anyway. “I am

Few remaining open roads in downtown Chattanooga to be closed by next Friday

After months of road work causing closures on many streets in downtown Chattanooga, a representative from the City of Chattanooga’s transportation department announced plans to go ahead and shut down the remaining roads by next Friday. Sources say the closures have caused headaches for many downtown commuters, and some have even resorted to driving on

Chattanooga Airport announces safer non-stop catapult service to Florida

After an airline known for its low-cost direct flights from Chattanooga to Flordia came under scrutiny for having a high number of in-flight breakdowns, a representative from the Chattanooga Metropolitan Airport announced new and safer direct catapult flights from the Gig City to the Sunshine State. Sources say the new service will begin as soon as

Chattanooga area young woman takes graduation photos of concealed art in her pants outside of Shooters Depot

While most young women take their graduation outside of Bluff View art district or other Pinterest inspired locations, 26-year-old UTC graduate Shelly Wilson released a new photoshoot of her concealing artwork outside of the recently burned Shooters Depot in Chattanooga. Miss Wilson hopes her unique views will help her picture go viral and cause a stink

Chattanooga Bystander’s fifth annual Taco and Tequila event receives terrible reviews

To celebrate their fifth anniversary, the Chattanooga Bystander threw it’s annual Taco and Tequila festival, which was met with unsurprisingly terrible reviews. Sources say once the doors opened, attendees were somehow greeted with long lines, tacos cooked on the ground in short supply, lack of toilet paper in the restrooms, another $80 charge, and subpar

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