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Dirk Savage

Dirk Savage has 142 articles published.

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TVA accidentally releases the Kraken during flood preparations

in Business

During preparations for possible historic flooding this week, it was announced that TVA engineers accidentally released the Kraken while emptying out water reservoirs. Sources say that while TVA was working with the Army Corps of Engineers to prepare for excessive water levels, the Navy, Air Force, Marines, and new Space…

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Guy Fieri purchases Food City, will incorporate into Flavortown

in Business/Food/Drink

During the grand opening announcement for the new Fort Oglethorpe Food City, onlookers were shocked when television personality and celebrity chef Guy Fieri appeared announced he has purchased all local Food Citys and will relocate them to Flavortown.  “The Rockin’ Chattanooga and beyond Red Food, er Bi-Lo, ah Food Cities…

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MAGA teen asshole arrives in Chattanooga to smirk at Riverfront Trail of Tears monument

in Uncategorized

After making a spectacle of himself last Friday during the Washington D.C. Indigenous Peoples March, the unnamed teenage “Make America Great Again” hat wearing shit head was spotted this weekend staring down Chattanooga’s monument to the Trail of Tears. Sources say that once the little sack of shit is named,…

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Chattanooga Moxy to rebrand after learning no one has had sex there

in Business

Just months after opening as the new hip “hook up” hotel in downtown Chattanooga, managers of the Moxy were disappointed to learn that zero acts of sexual intercourse have taken place within its 108 rooms or public restrooms. Sources say renovations have begun to replace large pictures of millennials drinking…

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TDOT advising everyone to just stay home during I-75/24 split construction

in Business

This week during a press conference discussing the plans of the upcoming I-75 and I-24 split construction, a representative for the Tennessee Department of Transportation announced that motorists should probably just stay home during the project. The construction, which will begin this summer, will bring devastation to the area that…

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John Wise begins rebuilding all properties after last weeks devastating earthquakes

in Business

Just one week after devastating earthquakes rocked the Tennessee Valley area, local developer John Wise announced rebuilding has begun after every one of his buildings was destroyed. Sources say the actual dollar value of buildings destroyed will total into the hundreds and possibly even thousand. Experts were stunned after literally…

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Trump vows to only use Presidential Alerts about Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club

in Sports/Rec/Trumpanooga '18

During his speech in Chattanooga Today, President Donald J Trump announced he will only use the new controversial Presidential Alert system to make announcements about the new Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club. “You know that I know that Red Wolves Soccer is the best Soccer in Chattanooga”, explained Trump. “Believe…

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Trump rally extended for one hour while he tries to pronounce Thongnopnua

in Politics/Trumpanooga '18

A representative from the Trump caravan announced tonight’s rally will be extended one hour after the president saw a “Joda Thongnopnua for House District 30” sign during his flight to the area. As with words like “anonymous,” the president will need more time to try and pronounce the district 30 candidate’s name.…

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Mike Pence ponders move to Chattanooga area after learning of two Golden Corral locations

in Food/Drink/Trumpanooga '18

During his weekend visit to the Chattanooga area, acting Vice President Mike Pence announced he is considering relocating somewhere in town after learning of two Golden Corral eateries, one in Chattanooga, and one in Fort Oglethorpe. Experts say Golden Corral is a favorite dining establishment among southern Churchgoers, who do not see…

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