At a rally today at the Bessie Smith Cultural Center in Chattanooga, Democratic billionaire presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg announced that he has selected the Monopoly Man as his running mate. “This was a tough decision to make,” said Bloomberg, the former mayor of New York City who is the ninth richest person in the U.S.A.
Forecasters are predicting Monday’s weather in Chattanooga to include sunny, 70-degree weather, then a snowstorm, then flash flooding, then a torrent of blood rain, then plagues of locusts, frogs and chicken parts. “Don’t stow away your galoshes just yet! It’s been a wild week, and it’s just going to get wilder,” said local weather forecaster
Using a repurposed Hershey’s chocolate syrup bottle as a water bottle by Tennessee State Representative Kent Calfee has been widely recognized as the best thing a Republican has done in years. “This is a grade A life-hack, my friends,” said local environmentalist Summer Starlight. “We should all be inspired to repurpose things that would otherwise