TDOT safety tips for roadside fighting

in Health

Wait, did that asshole in a pickup with truck nuts on I-24 just cut you off? Don’t be a pussy – it’s time to rumble! But even when engaging in bare-knuckle melee by the side of a busy highway, you should heed these safety tips from the Tennessee Department of Transportation:

* Before you pull over, turn on your turn signal, which should work perfectly since it’s never been used before.

* Pick a spot on the shoulder to pull over where there is enough room for your Hummer H2 and your bumblebee-sized penis.

* If it is nighttime, turn on your blinking hazard lights, because it will make the fight look like that awesome action shot in “Kill Bill” where everyone’s in silhouette.

* To be visible to traffic, wear a reflective safety vest or carry a mirrored disco ball with you.

* Do not smash your opponent’s car window with a tomahawk, or else Indiana Jones will suddenly appear and reprimand you, saying that the Native American artifact should belong in a museum.

* If your opponent is Chun-Li, watch out for the Spinning Bird Kick! But then you can viciously taunt her by saying, “I see London, I see France, I see Chun-Li’s underpants.”

* Although it sounds like it would be a great way to intimidate your opponent, it’s generally unsafe to take a bite out of raw roadkill.

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