School closings blamed on children not vaccinated for cooties

in Education/Health

Hamilton County Schools were closed today due to illness, and an outbreak of cooties was to blame, despite the wide availability of a vaccine.

“It may look like innocent hand-holding, but let me tell you, boys and girls, spreading cooties is no laughing matter,” said school nurse Pat Grundersen. “And if you’re not vaccinated, don’t even think about sharing a milkshake, even while facing each other with two separate straws, like you’re in a dang Norman Rockwell painting.”

Experts point to the anti-vaccination movement and the misconception that vaccines cause autism, which has long been debunked, as the root cause of this local cooties epidemic.

This year, there has been a measles outbreak in Washington state, and according to the CDC, up to 56,000 flu-associated deaths can occur annually in the United States alone.

“You know all those Precious Moments angel figurines? You ever wonder why they’re in heaven?” said Grundersen. “Cooties.”

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.