Acts to perform songs twice as fast at shorter 4-day Riverbend

in Culture/Riverbend

It was announced at a press conference today that Chattanooga’s annual Riverbend Festival would be shortened from nine days to four days, and to fit the same amount of material in a shorter time, music acts would be required to perform their songs twice as fast.

“Half as long, twice as fast, baby!” said Riverbend representative Tracy Gatbond. “That’s not a comment about male inadequacy and premature ejaculation. We’re talking about the new and improved Riverbend!”

“You have our solemn guarantee that it’ll feature 100% of the goodness you love and expect from Riverbend, but crammed into four days, with everyone singing their songs at double speed, sounding like a bunch of auctioneers on cocaine,” said Gatbond.

“No more masturbatory 30-minute jam-band guitar solos here,” said Gatbond. “All songs will be played at a minimum of 200 beats-per-minute, even a specially recorded version of the National Anthem, which will get people’s asses shaking with a sick, thumping techno beat.”

“Faster! Faster!” said Gatbond, while cracking a bullwhip. “There’s just one thing we’re living for…speeeeeeed!”

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.