Chattanooga Moxy to rebrand after learning no one has had sex there

in Business

Just months after opening as the new hip “hook up” hotel in downtown Chattanooga, managers of the Moxy were disappointed to learn that zero acts of sexual intercourse have taken place within its 108 rooms or public restrooms.

Sources say renovations have begun to replace large pictures of millennials drinking and having fun with laughing families eating pancakes and the aquarium.

“The night was going great, and I felt like the mood was getting right for the sexy time, but after ordering a simple cosmopolitan at the bar, waiting 20 minutes to receive it, and the loud crashing sound of some jack-ass playing oversized Janga, the window was closed,” explained one Moxy guest.

“We were so close to, you know, doin’ it, but then my date slid just 6 inches off the bed and gashed their head on the doorknob, so the night ended in the Erlanger intensive care unit,” explained another Moxy patron.