Local upscale supper club to offer artisanal hand jobs

in Food/Drink

A popular, local supper club just took the Chattanooga dining experience to the next level with its announcement that its next meal, limited to 20 diners charged $995 each, would include a hand job administered during the final dessert course.

“I got the idea for the artisanal hand job after hearing a person balk at the price of a previous supper club experience,” said Chef Kelly Ristmussen, the founder of the Conspicuous Consumption Supper Club (CCSC), at a press conference. “The person said, jokingly, ‘For that price, this meal better include a hand job.'”

“Then I thought, ‘Why not?'” said Ristmussen. “We can make this happen in the Gig City, with our ‘Can Do’ attitude. Beat that, Scenic City Supper Club.”

No expense will be spared for the upcoming meal, which will feature a distinguished 19-course meal, including dishes such as braised quail uvulas with a pickled placenta chutney and a blood orange sauce, made using a reduction of Bourbon barrel-aged Appalachian dip cup froth and fresh-squeezed marionberry juice.

Another of Chef Ristmussen’s creations uses roasted jackfruit that has been regurgitated by angry civets, drizzled with Hungarian bone marrow butter and specks of radioactive platinum, and the main course will be creamed cocottes prepared with a modified sous vide method that uses ostrich bladders instead of plastic bags.

However, Ristmussen has saved the best for last: a truly artisanal hand job for both men and women.

“The exquisite hand job we will offer will be an extraordinary sensual experience, far beyond some sleazy lap dance at Diamonds and Lace,” said Ristmussen. “Our skilled hand artists have been trained at some of the finest rub-and-tug institutes around the world.”

Ristmussen described how each hand artist will wear gloves made from 9th century Chinese silk from the Tang dynasty, and at completion, each diner’s drippings will be captured in a special cashmere handcloth, personally embroidered with the diner’s initials.

“Everyone loves a happy ending,” said Chef Ristmussen. “This isn’t just ‘farm-to-table,’ it’s ‘farm-to-table-to-trousers,’ and truly, we’re here to turn organic dining into orgasmic dining.”

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.