Republic Parking now accepts severed arms, legs as payment

in Business

After Republic Parking received criticism for sharply increasing its parking fee in downtown Chattanooga temporarily to $20 during the recent Ironman competition, it announced that it would now accept severed arms and legs from those unable to come up with the necessary cash.

“We overheard people saying that it cost an arm and a leg to park downtown during the Ironman weekend, so that gave us an idea,” said a Republic Parking representative. “If you don’t like our prices, or don’t want to give up any limbs, then just park in Red Bank and walk downtown, if you have any legs left.”

“We’ve added convenient refrigerated storage containers at each parking lot, so your severed limbs will remain fresh until we can sell them,” said the representative.

“For flexibility, we have different payment plans,” said the representative. “For example, instead of giving us an entire arm, if you have a party of four, then we only need a single finger from each person in your party.”

“That will buy you one hour of parking time,” said the representative.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children’s children, and for our children’s children’s grandparents – which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible “Mmmrph! Mmmrph!” sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling – and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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