Monthly archive

May 2017

Downtown digital billboard to air only Times Free Press digital reports

in Business

To appease the massive amount of fans for the new giant digital billboard downtown and the Chattanooga Times Free Press’ digital reporting videos, a representative from Fairway Outdoor Advertising announced plans to merge the two local favorites into one. Soon, commuters traveling on Market Street will be able to stay…

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Sen. Corker Googles “How to remove bumper sticker without damaging paint”

in Politics

Senator Bob Corker has Googled the phrase “How to remove bumper sticker without damaging paint,” reports say. This news comes one day after Corker, chairman of the Foreign Relations Committee, made comments to reporters about the White House, saying, “Obviously they’re in a downward spiral right now.” “Man, I just…

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City eliminates all crime by closing one convenience store

in Business/Politics
The Westside Shop

In one astounding move, the City of Chattanooga eliminated all crime, including gang activity and drug deals, by closing down a single convenience store: the Westside Shop. “Why didn’t we think of this earlier?” said a representative from the Hamilton County District Attorney’s office. “Who would’ve thought it would be…

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Chief Fred Fletcher announces plans to sell dietary supplements after retirement

in Business/Politics

Some weeks after Chattanooga Police Chief Fred Fletcher announced retirement after his contract ends this summer, Fletcher revealed plans to supplement his income by offering a broad range of dietary and energy supplements. Fletcher, who has been Chattanooga Police chief since 2014, has always dreamed of being his own boss…

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