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March 2017

Andy Berke caught kissing reflection in mirror after re-election

in Politics/Shitstorm 2016
Mayor Andy Berke

Shocking allegations have emerged that Mayor Andy Berke was caught kissing his own reflection in a mirror after being re-elected last night, according to sources. “It was totally weird,” said one anonymous witness. “First, he was talking to his reflection in this kind of high, baby voice, saying, ‘Who’s a…

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Poll: Handful of warm cottage cheese more popular than four mayoral candidates

in Politics
Cottage cheese (used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/26dTL)

A recent poll of eligible Chattanooga voters has revealed that most would prefer to have a handful of warm cottage cheese as the next mayor of Chattanooga instead of any of the four mayoral candidates: incumbent Andy Berke, David Crockett, Larry Grohn and Chris Long. “A handful of warm cottage…

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Paul Barys spotted in undisclosed bar doing shots in preparation for tonight’s storm

in Business/Culture

In preparation for the severe storms heading into the area, local weatherman Paul Barys has been spotted downing shots of bourbon and other alcoholic beverages for the long night ahead. “Let’s forecast┬áthis shit, Barys┬ábeard style,” exclaimed Meteorologist┬áPaul Barys, while vomiting into a WRCB hat.    

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