Study: 40% of all local businesses to be yoga-related by 2020

in Business/Health

A study released today by the Tennessee Department of Commerce predicted that by the year 2020, approximately 40% of all Chattanooga businesses will be yoga-related.

“It’s blowing up!” said local yoga expert, Rain Summerberry. “Back in August, we had the debut of the Southern Bend Yoga Festival, and two weeks ago, we had the Divine Fire Yoga Festival. There are twenty-seven more yoga festivals scheduled here in the next month alone, taking place in parks, resorts, event venues, bars, alleyways, basements and vacant gravel lots.”

“Really, anywhere you can lay down a yoga mat,” said Summerberry.

“When you think about it, yoga can have a huge impact on local commerce,” said Kris Fogley of the Tennessee Department of Commerce. “Yoga people need yoga clothes, yoga paraphernalia, expensive food and drink from Whole Foods or Fresh Market and lots of crappy hippie-type music made by white people with dreadlocks.”

“Most people just drink water when they feel like they are thirsty,” said Fogley. “But yoga people have these fancy water bottles that come in pretty colors that glow when you need to take a drink of water. Those cost good money.”

“Last month, Chattanooga had its first Rage Yoga class, which mixes yoga with swearing, drinking beer and blaring rock music,” said Summerberry. “In East Ridge next month, there’s going to be a ‘Meth Yoga’ class, which we are looking forward to.”

“There are so many new varieties and niches, like ‘Insult Yoga,’ ‘Bare-Knuckle Yoga’ and ‘Toga Yoga,’ where everyone pretends that they are at the toga party in the movie Animal House,” said Summerberry. “Did I mention ‘Dexys Midnight Yoga’? You do yoga at midnight while listening to the song ‘Come On Eileen’ over and over, wearing clothing from the ’80s.”

Yoga (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/J9CcVh)
Yoga (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/J9CcVh)

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