October 2016

Chattanooga haunted houses show horror of city without gigabit internet

In response to what some one-time visitors of Chattanooga believe would be a shithole wasteland of horrors and less gentrification, area haunted houses brought those fears to life this Halloween. One local favorite Rock City opened their attraction called “DSL hell”, in which gnomes were unable to launch their startups due to milliseconds slower page

Hamilton County starts locking prison doors after business hours

After shocking revelations emerged that ankle monitors on offenders in Hamilton County aren’t being tracked after business hours and that one criminal escaped house arrest after removing his ankle monitor, the corrections department announced that it would start locking its prison doors during evenings and weekends. “Be assured that our new policy will come at

Experts warn of Southside “condom desert” after closing of Chuck’s


Urban planning experts have warned city officials that the upcoming closing of the Main Street nightclub Chuck’s, a.k.a. “The Condom Shop,” would leave a “condom desert” in the Southside after October 22. Much like an urban “food desert,” which is a location that lacks convenient access to grocery stores, a “condom desert” would be a

Study: 40% of all local businesses to be yoga-related by 2020


A study released today by the Tennessee Department of Commerce predicted that by the year 2020, approximately 40% of all Chattanooga businesses will be yoga-related. “It’s blowing up!” said local yoga expert, Rain Summerberry. “Back in August, we had the debut of the Southern Bend Yoga Festival, and two weeks ago, we had the Divine

Trump enlists Corker for foreign policy for countries where Americans will move

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump enlisted Senator Bob Corker, a former mayor of Chattanooga, as a member of his national security advisory council to develop foreign policy for relations with countries where many Americans will move if Trump is elected. “When Trump gets elected, we’re going to have a lot of angry and scared people

Berke wears mesh shirt at Pride Parade to show transparency


Mayor Andy Berke strutted down Riverside Drive wearing a white mesh shirt at yesterday’s Chattanooga Pride Parade in order to demonstrate a commitment to transparency, after criticism about previously using an encrypted smartphone messaging app to communicate with his staff. “I’ve got nothing to hide,” said Berke, as he lifted up his mesh shirt to